Hey you,who's
had a bad day,feeling alone, is crying your heart out, is battling suicide, is dying to have someone to talk to, is nursing a broken heart, is sick of broken promises, doesn’t want to hurt anymore, keeps trying and failing, is tired of disappointment,sick of constant bullshit, wants to give up, wishes someone cares, wants to be loved, is afraid, wants to make a difference,is confused and lost,wants a hug...
Somebody out there thought of you tonight,somebody going through the same thing,somebody who's willing to reach out to you
Hey you, keep your faith, somebody cares.
Somebody’s me.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wild Imaginations
Confession: When I was little(and maybe even today)I had wild imaginations. I watched too many episodes of The Fairy Oddparents until I wanted to believe that someday two fairy godparents will suddenly poof in my bedroom,and burst into saying something like "We're your Fairy Godparents!" And when it didn't,I figured that my life wasn't miserable enough.
*****
But obviously that ain't happening. Sometimes I wish that my life was like a cartoon show. People always seem much happier in cartoon shows.
I wish I could be like Sabrina,the teenage witch,so I could just take make spells and take revenge on the people that have hurt me.
I wish my teenage life could be like the kids on Hey Arnold! Somehow their life seem so much more interesting.
I wish I could be like Spongebob. He's always bubbly and happy,and has a positive mindset and he never fails to make people smile. I wish I was more like that.
Chicken Out?
Its Sunday,tomorrow's Monday. *sad face*. The neighbour next door is playing old blues again. I can almost hear it from my room. I didn't attend my morning religious class today. I tricked my parents into thinking I was sleeping when they woke me up today.
I've wasted my afternoon worrying for tomorrow. We have a frisbee class competition. I seldom participant in competition,but apparently our class has only a handful number of girls,so I have no choice but to play in this one. To be honest,I really have no desire to compete tomorrow. And I know that I'm being selfish by saying this. But seriously,I have my own reasons for saying this,and right now,I'm feeling half-hearted about playing tomorrow. I've already asked Mr P.E about this issue. He encouraged me to go for it but at the same time he tells me that if I was going to compete,I had to be really sure and confident about what I'm doing. Hearing to what he had said,made me even more confuse. So I turned to Mom,and for once,she understands me. She wasn't into the idea about me competing either.
I'm still considering about whether I should play tomorrow. I don't want to let my teammates down and causing them to hate me forever,but at the same time I can't possibly be careless and ignore my reasons.
I've wasted my afternoon worrying for tomorrow. We have a frisbee class competition. I seldom participant in competition,but apparently our class has only a handful number of girls,so I have no choice but to play in this one. To be honest,I really have no desire to compete tomorrow. And I know that I'm being selfish by saying this. But seriously,I have my own reasons for saying this,and right now,I'm feeling half-hearted about playing tomorrow. I've already asked Mr P.E about this issue. He encouraged me to go for it but at the same time he tells me that if I was going to compete,I had to be really sure and confident about what I'm doing. Hearing to what he had said,made me even more confuse. So I turned to Mom,and for once,she understands me. She wasn't into the idea about me competing either.
I'm still considering about whether I should play tomorrow. I don't want to let my teammates down and causing them to hate me forever,but at the same time I can't possibly be careless and ignore my reasons.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I Make Sure I Suffer Little, but Die with Courage and Dignity and Clean Underwear
Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I picture my funeral and write eulogies in my head. In the fantasy,I almost always die in some tragic but unavoidable way.
I fall,and get back up,then I fall again. Much harder this time 'round. By then,I forgot how get back up on my feet again. So I lay helplessly on the ground. People are walking. I can see thier shoes. I can hear their footsteps. They all look different,and sound different. They walked passed me,they step over me, some just walk around me. I feel like I'm a ghost. Invisible. But even ghosts are sometimes visible to the human eye. Then I see a pair of black sneakers,a pair of feet is moving. Its heading towards my direction. It was a girl,I could tell from the way she walks. Her shoes stopped right in front of me. She bent down,and as she did so,her long black hair fall down her shoulders. I could see her face clearly now. She had a fair complexion,small nose,her lips were of perfect shape. Her eyes,they looked at with full curiosity. Her forehead frown. I think she thinks I'm weird,who wouldn't? Then,she suddenly,spoke, "Are you okay?" It took me a minute to respond to her sudden question. "Yeah,I'm..uh..fine" I finally answer. I think my boring,sad voice tone,give everything away. Because she reached out hand,and said "Here,let me help you get back up again." I did. I took her hand. And she did what she said she would,she helped me get back up again. From then on,I never did fall,even if I did,I knew that there was someone I could reach out to.
Even when I still can't sleep,I have this imagination. I wonder if there is someone out there who really cares. Someone who will show up at my funeral. Someone who will cry. And someone who will hold their tears back for fear of never stopping.
I fall,and get back up,then I fall again. Much harder this time 'round. By then,I forgot how get back up on my feet again. So I lay helplessly on the ground. People are walking. I can see thier shoes. I can hear their footsteps. They all look different,and sound different. They walked passed me,they step over me, some just walk around me. I feel like I'm a ghost. Invisible. But even ghosts are sometimes visible to the human eye. Then I see a pair of black sneakers,a pair of feet is moving. Its heading towards my direction. It was a girl,I could tell from the way she walks. Her shoes stopped right in front of me. She bent down,and as she did so,her long black hair fall down her shoulders. I could see her face clearly now. She had a fair complexion,small nose,her lips were of perfect shape. Her eyes,they looked at with full curiosity. Her forehead frown. I think she thinks I'm weird,who wouldn't? Then,she suddenly,spoke, "Are you okay?" It took me a minute to respond to her sudden question. "Yeah,I'm..uh..fine" I finally answer. I think my boring,sad voice tone,give everything away. Because she reached out hand,and said "Here,let me help you get back up again." I did. I took her hand. And she did what she said she would,she helped me get back up again. From then on,I never did fall,even if I did,I knew that there was someone I could reach out to.
Even when I still can't sleep,I have this imagination. I wonder if there is someone out there who really cares. Someone who will show up at my funeral. Someone who will cry. And someone who will hold their tears back for fear of never stopping.
I Pity You Really,but Seeing You Suffering Over There is Just too Hilarious not to Laugh
Its Friday! Like finally. I've been really busy with school and shit. I just realised that I've got a few writing mistakes in my previous post. I apologised. I posted it at night and was in a hurry,because my parents were forcing me to sleep. (How embrassing,I'm fifteen and I still have a bedtime!!)
Wednesday,4March 2010.
Wednesday was probably the most interesting day of this week in my opinion. I loved this week's Wednesday. There was a mini drama in class. A fight went on. I like when these things happened it,waste our lesson time and it just seemed so interesting somehow. I wish things like these would happened alot more often.
There's this guy in our class. He's a foreigner. He's really good in almost all of this subjects,except for English. He insists on sitting alone. The problem about him is that,he cannot adapt himself to the class,and to the school. Another thing is,he has this "thing" about people touching. He doesn't want anyone to touch him,whenever someone does, he'll flinched and brush off that particular spot,as if there were germs left on that spot.
Because of his behaviour,and seeing the way he reacts to certain things,my class of 34 students loves to disturb him. Everyone enjoys seeing him getting picked on by certain people in our class.
And on Wednesday,he flared up and got into a fight with one my classmate,Marvin,during Chemistry. It was because of stupid chair. I won't mention who started it first,'cause then it'll be unfair to both of them. I blame the chair honestly.
Chemistry teacher managed to stop it on time before things got overboard of course.
But during that 5 minutes of provoking and fighting,everyone was enjoying the scene. Including me. I just sat,watched and laughed along with the whole class. I knew it was wrong,but I continued to laughed,it was as though I was watching some kind of epic comedy-drama on TV.
And I went I got home and reflect on what had happened on that day,I thought that I loved and enjoyed seeing other people's suffering. It was funny,it was entertaining. I didn't even know why I liked it. If I were to put myself in his shoes,I'd know how awful and terrible that experience was. But the thing is,I'm not,I'm watching my classmates making stupid jokes and trying to annoy him,and I treat it as entertainment and think its funny. I guess I'm mean person.
Wednesday,4March 2010.
Wednesday was probably the most interesting day of this week in my opinion. I loved this week's Wednesday. There was a mini drama in class. A fight went on. I like when these things happened it,waste our lesson time and it just seemed so interesting somehow. I wish things like these would happened alot more often.
There's this guy in our class. He's a foreigner. He's really good in almost all of this subjects,except for English. He insists on sitting alone. The problem about him is that,he cannot adapt himself to the class,and to the school. Another thing is,he has this "thing" about people touching. He doesn't want anyone to touch him,whenever someone does, he'll flinched and brush off that particular spot,as if there were germs left on that spot.
Because of his behaviour,and seeing the way he reacts to certain things,my class of 34 students loves to disturb him. Everyone enjoys seeing him getting picked on by certain people in our class.
And on Wednesday,he flared up and got into a fight with one my classmate,Marvin,during Chemistry. It was because of stupid chair. I won't mention who started it first,'cause then it'll be unfair to both of them. I blame the chair honestly.
Chemistry teacher managed to stop it on time before things got overboard of course.
But during that 5 minutes of provoking and fighting,everyone was enjoying the scene. Including me. I just sat,watched and laughed along with the whole class. I knew it was wrong,but I continued to laughed,it was as though I was watching some kind of epic comedy-drama on TV.
And I went I got home and reflect on what had happened on that day,I thought that I loved and enjoyed seeing other people's suffering. It was funny,it was entertaining. I didn't even know why I liked it. If I were to put myself in his shoes,I'd know how awful and terrible that experience was. But the thing is,I'm not,I'm watching my classmates making stupid jokes and trying to annoy him,and I treat it as entertainment and think its funny. I guess I'm mean person.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
You're Too Pretty,I'm Jealous. So What? I Can't Help It,I'm Only Human + I'm So Messed Up
Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawess.Iwanttoflawless.
"True beauty comes from within" I know that. I think everyone knows that. But then,everyone forgets and just don't give a damn.
I saw this girl yesterday one the train. About my age,maybe a year older? She was pretty. She had straight hair,I couldn't really tell if it was natural or not. But whatever. She was really pretty,and the way she carrys her bag,the way she holds her purse in hand,was so perfect. She seemed so together. I looked at her every now and then asking myself "How does she do it?". She saw me looking. It was so awkward.
I hate those whispers in hallways. The one that goes "Which one of them do you think is prettier?" "You know,I think she's prettier than her" "Duh,she's prettier,the other one is ugly." I hate these stupid questions. I admit,I was the type that often ask things. I'm so over it . It just sounds stupid. I can't believe people have all the time in the world to compare. Now,I realise you're just trying to bring the other person down by saying these stuffs. Trust me,I was a victim once. And the feeling that you get when you hear those comments are far too hurtful than you can even imagine.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'm One of the Boys who Loves Strawberries
I manged to complete the 2.4km run today in P.E and I passed both my Chemistry and Social Studies test. I feel a sense of achievement today. It feels great. I wish it was like this everyday.
I got tease alot during P.E today,because unlike all the other students,I wore track pants instead of the normal school shorts. They kept questioning me;
"Why are you wearing long pants?"
"Oh my god,you're one of the boys?!"
It was so annoying,and I got so fed-up with it. So since people were saying it,from now on,when I'm wearing long pants for P.E,consider me as one of the boys.(;
I think the school needs to reorganised our class timetable again,because right after P.E was 2 periods of History. Teachers talk too much during history class. They talk too much that their explanation doesn't make sense. and they seem oblivious to the fact that most of students in class were perspiring and breathless. Or they just pretended not to notice. Well,I pretended that Mr History wasn't there and slept. He didn't even cared. We were suppose to take down notes,but I did not. Because,
a) I was lazy to do so.
&
b) Notes weren't any help to me at all. I write them down only for the sake of writing them down. Then I never refer to them again. And it'll be found only after a decade inside my bag. Torn and dirty. Ugh!
Only three more days till the weekend. Stay strong until then!
*******
Mom and I are talking again. I think almost everything is back to how they were before. I can see that she's trying really hard not to yell at me again. I appreciate that. I'm doing the same too,I'm trying not to mess up. She prepared a bowl of strawberries for me awhile ago. I already finished them all.
I love anything that has to do with strawberries <3
I got tease alot during P.E today,because unlike all the other students,I wore track pants instead of the normal school shorts. They kept questioning me;
"Why are you wearing long pants?"
"Oh my god,you're one of the boys?!"
It was so annoying,and I got so fed-up with it. So since people were saying it,from now on,when I'm wearing long pants for P.E,consider me as one of the boys.(;
I think the school needs to reorganised our class timetable again,because right after P.E was 2 periods of History. Teachers talk too much during history class. They talk too much that their explanation doesn't make sense. and they seem oblivious to the fact that most of students in class were perspiring and breathless. Or they just pretended not to notice. Well,I pretended that Mr History wasn't there and slept. He didn't even cared. We were suppose to take down notes,but I did not. Because,
a) I was lazy to do so.
&
b) Notes weren't any help to me at all. I write them down only for the sake of writing them down. Then I never refer to them again. And it'll be found only after a decade inside my bag. Torn and dirty. Ugh!
Only three more days till the weekend. Stay strong until then!
*******
Mom and I are talking again. I think almost everything is back to how they were before. I can see that she's trying really hard not to yell at me again. I appreciate that. I'm doing the same too,I'm trying not to mess up. She prepared a bowl of strawberries for me awhile ago. I already finished them all.
I love anything that has to do with strawberries <3
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