Twitter @ImNabeelah

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Again and Again

I sat down for my accounting paper
with pure determination
I could answer the questions.
I could pass.

But those positive thoughts vanished
when I read the questions.
They were tough
I had visions of myself getting back the paper.
No smile,Sad,Disappointed,Hopeless.
I guess,
I should've studied a little more the night before.

I groaned.
I regret.

My day got a lot worse after that.

Two schoolmates if mine,
Boys.
We were of the same age
but not really the same height.
One was a little taller
the other was shorter.

I've known them for 2 years,
but we've never had a proper conversation.
It was mainly
them
teasing
me.
Sometimes playful,
sometimes not.

They still tease me to this very day.
Today.
I wasn't,of course,
like a 3-year old
who cried over things like that.
In fact,
I merely laugh at it.

But then,
it got mean
and mean
and
meaner.
They said things.
Mean things about
your face,
your height,
your weight.
And sometimes they're never true.
They just want you to feel bad.

Their words were like bullets shooting my heart.
It hit. It hurts.
But I kept quiet.
I was afraid to shut them up.
Afraid that I'd make a fool out me.
But the truth was what I wished to do was
scream and beat the shit out of them.
But of course I didn't.
I kept quiet,as they continued their fun.
How appropriate.

And for the record,
these boys,some of my school boys
they are like that.
Their mind sets are like that.
They think its cool to tease
and insult
and swear,
on girls (they don't seem attracted to)
on teachers
and stuff they don't care.

No,its not cool.
Not awesome.
Not cute.

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When I got home,
I got into an argument with
Mom and Dad.
Mom especially. Again.
She was always finding fault in me.
Always.

Later that afternoon,
they went out.
I could hear the door slammed
it echoed the whole house.
I was in my room.
Alone.

At times like this
normal people would have
called and text their friends,
console in them.
I didn't.
I don't have any friends
to call
to text
to console to.
I was,
Alone.

Then I started to cry.
I didn't want to
but
I did.
I couldn't control the tears
I cried
I cried
I cried
I thought about,
how I am such loser,
how pathetic my life was
how everything was going from good
to bad,to worse,to shit.

Then I suddenly felt tired.
I slowly lay in bed
Closed my eyes
and
drift off to sleep
my face wet with tears.
I needed to rest.

16 comments:

  1. oh, nabilah.
    i hope things get so much better.
    i kind of feel the same way; but i know that our situations are very different.
    i keep fighting with my parents, because they expect me to side with them against my brother; they don't realize that they're pushing both of us away. and i really do understand what you mean about mother's finding fault in everything - i'm too fat, too dumb, too stupid for her - and i know it kind of shouldn't, but it hurts, it really does. and i'm sick of them pretending that everything is okay when nobody is. sorry, long comment.
    i just think sometimes they forget what family is?

    keep your chin up, beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nabilah, sweet sweet Nabilah.

    I'm gonna give you my email address. And I want you to email me so that I can give you my number to text whenever you feel like that. Please feel comfortable doing that. I really care about you, thanks to the blogging world. You're such a sweet girl and you're not a loser. I adore your blog.

    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh. Haha. It's caraalynn@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stupid boys. Irresponsible, rude boys. They should rave their mouths sewn. Boys don't understand that words hurt. It just seems like a bit of harmless fun. I'm so sorry these boys are being like this. Don't believe what they say, you are a seriously fabulous person, you don't deserve this criticism.

    xxxx

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  5. Sometimes I really detest boys. I think most of them will never grow up into men. They'll just be stuck in perpetual immaturity.
    I don't care what people say, words hurt even when they're not true and I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(
    I hope your week gets better!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Assholes!
    don't let other people control how you feel. They are the weak and miserable ones...

    By the way, this was a beautiful piece of writing. I felt it. It made me sad and mad.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Girl you are not alone! I am pretty sure you have my email address. If you ever need to vent just drop me an email. I am so sorry you felt alone. I agree with Pat. Don't let anyone control your emotions. They are the losers not you! Remember that. They feel insecure so it makes them feel better about themselves to make others feel bad.

    Chin up! And your relationship with your Mom will get better. I had the worst relationship with my Mom when I was growing up and it is a lot better now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Almost forgot I have an award for you! Hey your Bday is coming!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Boys at a certain age are just like that...I mean, try to think about it this way: if they were stupid enough to assume that acting this way makes them cool, it seems that they're, well, stupid, but also very insensitive and deranged. And there's no point in caring about what this kind of people say. Gosh, it's easy to say for me, huh? But I've been through the same exact thing (but it was worse because guy who said such things about me was the guy I had a crush on. and he kept saying I was ugly...) and the only thing you can do now is to repeat to yourself:
    "I got through this and it made me stronger".

    You wrote that you wanted to scream at them, but I think that the way you handled this was better. You didn't show them that they can hurt you and I think that if you had lost control they'd tease you more assuming it was fun or something. So I really think that by keeping your cool you did the right thing.

    And parents? I don't mean to be the prophet of doom, but it's extremely rare that parents and they teenage kids get along. So cheer up, bb :)

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  10. Sweetie, don't let them get to you. They are obviously not mature.
    I hope you have a smile on your face when you get your test back.

    LOVE!

    ReplyDelete
  11. they are jerks. wow i wish i could hit them or something.
    they seem to think that they are the shiz, but they are not.
    i'm sorry that they did it to you.
    you do not deserve this, you are too lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow! I had almost completely forgotten about the PRESSURE of exams. And of JERKS!!!! You captured it awesomely!!!

    Good stuff! We have your back!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh.
    i hope things get better.


    sometimes, you just really need to rest.
    rest helps.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. YOU HAVE ME! YOUR AWESOME COUSIN.HAHA LIKE WTH.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The trials of being young, I'm sure everyone has felt like this at one time or another. My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I’ve given you an award, but I’m not posting it until Sunday. So I’m just telling you in advance, LOL.

    ReplyDelete

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