Again and Again

I sat down for my accounting paper
with pure determination
I could answer the questions.
I could pass.

But those positive thoughts vanished
when I read the questions.
They were tough
I had visions of myself getting back the paper.
No smile,Sad,Disappointed,Hopeless.
I guess,
I should've studied a little more the night before.

I groaned.
I regret.

My day got a lot worse after that.

Two schoolmates if mine,
Boys.
We were of the same age
but not really the same height.
One was a little taller
the other was shorter.

I've known them for 2 years,
but we've never had a proper conversation.
It was mainly
them
teasing
me.
Sometimes playful,
sometimes not.

They still tease me to this very day.
Today.
I wasn't,of course,
like a 3-year old
who cried over things like that.
In fact,
I merely laugh at it.

But then,
it got mean
and mean
and
meaner.
They said things.
Mean things about
your face,
your height,
your weight.
And sometimes they're never true.
They just want you to feel bad.

Their words were like bullets shooting my heart.
It hit. It hurts.
But I kept quiet.
I was afraid to shut them up.
Afraid that I'd make a fool out me.
But the truth was what I wished to do was
scream and beat the shit out of them.
But of course I didn't.
I kept quiet,as they continued their fun.
How appropriate.

And for the record,
these boys,some of my school boys
they are like that.
Their mind sets are like that.
They think its cool to tease
and insult
and swear,
on girls (they don't seem attracted to)
on teachers
and stuff they don't care.

No,its not cool.
Not awesome.
Not cute.

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When I got home,
I got into an argument with
Mom and Dad.
Mom especially. Again.
She was always finding fault in me.
Always.

Later that afternoon,
they went out.
I could hear the door slammed
it echoed the whole house.
I was in my room.
Alone.

At times like this
normal people would have
called and text their friends,
console in them.
I didn't.
I don't have any friends
to call
to text
to console to.
I was,
Alone.

Then I started to cry.
I didn't want to
but
I did.
I couldn't control the tears
I cried
I cried
I cried
I thought about,
how I am such loser,
how pathetic my life was
how everything was going from good
to bad,to worse,to shit.

Then I suddenly felt tired.
I slowly lay in bed
Closed my eyes
and
drift off to sleep
my face wet with tears.
I needed to rest.