Unsettled

You’re going to leave me, aren’t you? …you’ve had enough of me,
haven’t you? You’re probably so tired of all this crying and all these moods,
and I’ve got to tell you, so am I. So am I. Sometimes it seems like my mind has a mind of its own,
like I just get hysterical, like it’s something I can’t control at all. And I don’t know what to do,
and I feel so sorry for you because you don’t know what to do either.
And I’m sure you’re going to leave me now.
— Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Wow. Its been a long time since I posted. I think I was too caught up with the all the
other stuff that's been happening around me and
I think I've to come to the decision to take a little break from blogging,
till after my end of year exams are over in mid-October.
But I'm not going to leave blogger though. Not yet.
I will definitely post more when everything's settled and done,
but for now,I'd stop posting for awhile,
unless if I'm feeling really upset and need to vent out or if something
really interesting comes along the way.

Take care!
x

Slow Hunter

This was her, Mick Kelly, walking in the daytime and by herself at night.
In the hot sun and in the dark with all the plans and feelings.
This music was her—the real plain her…
This music did not take a long time or a short time.
It did not have anything to do with time going by at all.
She sat with her arms around her legs, biting her salty knee very hard.
The whole world was this symphony,
and there was not enough of her to listen…
Now that it was over there was only her heart beating like a rabbit and this terrible hurt.

-Carson McCullers

***

I felt disappointed with myself in English class today.
We were given twenty minutes to write
an essay on anything in particular and it was based on a diary entry.
Even though I had quite a few ideas to write about I don't know why
I couldn't write out the words onto the paper.
I just kept staring and staring at the paper with only the words
"Dear Diary" written at the top and when I realised I had
only five minutes left to complete,I did what I do best at;
Panic and scribbled down nonsense.
I sort of feel useless.

Dare to Dream

I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption,
endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love,
neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow,
where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps,
and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me,
and nobody would ever see us any more.

-"The Castle" by Franz Kafka

***

I feel better today. But school is getting tougher than ever before and it makes me dizzy.

Breakdown

Do you ever just get that feeling where you don’t wanna talk to anybody?
You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy, but at the same time,
you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone
who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone.
People have stopped being comforting, and being alone never was.
At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong
and there isn’t anyone who won’t take, ‘I don’t know,’ as an answer.
You feel the way you do just because, you hope the feeling will pass soon
and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

***

I've been so frustrated and annoyed with almost everything
and I've acted harsh towards everyone lately.
I feel sad and lonely all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

(Helpless) Fragile Souls

I don’t want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can’t think again.

Not ever again. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that.

That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist.

Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that.

I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.

That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
— The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

There was a lovely butterfly in our class flying around aimlessly today.

The boys were being immature and tried scaring it away with brooms and sticks and laughed

and laughed uncontrollably. Poor,poor delicate butterfly,ended up with a broken wing

while trying to escape from those horrifying,cruel,heartless monsters.

I don't find the scene funny the slightest bit.

See now,precious,fragile beings always ends up getting hurt and partially to die.
How are they victims all the time.

Mirror

I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
So I almost never ever look at myself in the mirror unless it’s to check that
I don’t have something stuck in between my teeth,
or to see if my nose is still off centre,
or if my face is still horribly asymmetrical or if my face is still funny
or it’s an awful accident but sometimes, it’s so much more than that.
Sometimes, when I can stand looking at myself long enough,
I get scared because I see all of me
and I see all ninety-seven fragments of myself trapped in my champagne-coloured eyes,
struggling to break free. I see weakness and failure and disappointment
and boredom and restlessness.
I see what people see when they tell me I look so much like my mother
but I also see the awkwardness and bafflement in their pitying gazes
because I am not beautiful like her.
I see my father’s eyes.
I see myself cradling my fragility
and I see everything I am and everything I’m not
and everything I should be and everything I can’t be and everything I want to be
but I really see that I’m nothing, and I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
This is the mainly the reason why I don't often go to the restroom when I'm outside
or in someone's home and annoys the hell out of me when people keep on telling me to go.
No,I don't feel like using the toilet and I don't see why I need to groom myself.
It's pretty pointless.
I'd still look horrible and I'd just feel alot worse.
Some people just don't understand this.

Not So Pretty Words

I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry.

I didn’t know why I was going to cry,

but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely

the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat

and I’d cry for a week.

I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like

water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.
-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

***

I've received back my exam papers today.

I did quite well and there has been a slight improvement in my

performance compared to the previous,previous tests that
I took. But I failed one out of the six subjects,and this time it isn't Math,

but Physics!
But oh well,nevermind.

I'll take it as a hint telling me that I need to work much harder next time.

I have another exam this coming September and I'm already feeling very afraid.