I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
So I almost never ever look at myself in the mirror unless it’s to check that
I don’t have something stuck in between my teeth,
or to see if my nose is still off centre,
or if my face is still horribly asymmetrical or if my face is still funny
or it’s an awful accident but sometimes, it’s so much more than that.
Sometimes, when I can stand looking at myself long enough,
I get scared because I see all of me
and I see all ninety-seven fragments of myself trapped in my champagne-coloured eyes,
struggling to break free. I see weakness and failure and disappointment
and boredom and restlessness.
I see what people see when they tell me I look so much like my mother
but I also see the awkwardness and bafflement in their pitying gazes
because I am not beautiful like her.
I see my father’s eyes.
I see myself cradling my fragility
and I see everything I am and everything I’m not
and everything I should be and everything I can’t be and everything I want to be
but I really see that I’m nothing, and I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
This is the mainly the reason why I don't often go to the restroom when I'm outside
or in someone's home and annoys the hell out of me when people keep on telling me to go.
No,I don't feel like using the toilet and I don't see why I need to groom myself.
It's pretty pointless.
I'd still look horrible and I'd just feel alot worse.
Some people just don't understand this.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this.
For me, though, it's not so much the mirrors, but the photographs which bring out my flaws. I try to avoid being photographed by others.
I also have so many flaws! My face is asymmetrical and it makes me so self-conscious. I feel too embarrassed to even express to you exactly how crazy it's made me, and how big of an impact it has.
Basically, I know how you feel.
My solution to this has been to accept myself for what I look like because it's not my fault I was born this way. Maybe some day, I'll fix it, or maybe some day, I won't care at all.
But right now, I'm going to do what I love and be happy and if anyone else is going to judge me for my appearance, then they don't matter and they can't make me less happy.
I wrote a poem like this once. In truth, I think even the most confident of us are plagued by a crippling insecurity.
ReplyDeletelovely poem, you are so talented!
ReplyDeletecome check out my blog sometime :)
XOXO, BECCA
www.fashion-train.co.uk
I think most of us relate to this cause we all have out insecurities. Everytime I check myself in the mirror is to make sure theres nothing thats not suppose to be there hahaha. Always checking that if Im wearing makeup its in place, and that my hair is not a mess. But however, i try not to, because this only reinforces our insecurities and thats not good. We have to try and see ourselves for what is good in us, whether outside or inside. If you think closely there has to be somethings that you like about yourself, and focus on those instead :)
ReplyDeleteI really love this poem! I feel the same way too often. Sometimes I straighten my hair when I don't need to; but I never wear makeup, because I'm afraid it'd make me look hideous =/
ReplyDeletexx Blaize.
I really dislike the person who decided to put the idea of 'flaws' in peoples' heads'. It has caused quite an unnecessary amount of pain.
ReplyDeleteBut you are brilliant with words.
xx
I'm sure many will identify with this one as most of us have felt like this at one time or another. Thanks for this beautiful. heartfelt post.
ReplyDeletefabulous xxxx
ReplyDeleteWe all have insecurities. And we are all beautiful and unique. I wish it was easier to fall in love with one's self.
ReplyDeleteHave a good week, dear.
LOVE!
my dad always said, the worlds worst invention, was that of the mirror.
ReplyDeletexo