Think Quietly

“The world is full of things like that: old postcards, theatre programmes,
leafles about bomb-proofing your cellar, greetings cards, photograph albums,
holiday brochures, instruction booklets for machine tools, maps, catalogues,
railway timetables, menu cards from long-gone cruise liners - all kinds of things
that onced served a real and useful purpose, but have now become cut adrift from the things
and the people they relate to. ~ They might have come from anywhere.
They might have come from other worlds. That scribbled-on map,
that publisher’s catalogue - they might have been put down absent-mindedly in another universe,
and been blown by a chance wind through an open window,
to find themselves after many adventures on a market-stall in our world.”

-Phillip Pullman in the preface to Lyra’s Oxford

***

I've received back my exams results. Even though I'm quite unsatisfied at how some
of the grades turned out,I'm glad that I pass everything. Even Math and Physics.
I feel so relief and quite happy at the same time that all the hard work paid off.
I haven't been doing anything interesting recently and
I still have yet to clear my desk and arrange the books.
But I just began reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov and I must say,
that the writing is absolutely brilliant.
The holidays are approaching soon
and I'll pretend that school would never have to open again
and rest my soul for a thousand years.

Slow Hunter

This was her, Mick Kelly, walking in the daytime and by herself at night.
In the hot sun and in the dark with all the plans and feelings.
This music was her—the real plain her…
This music did not take a long time or a short time.
It did not have anything to do with time going by at all.
She sat with her arms around her legs, biting her salty knee very hard.
The whole world was this symphony,
and there was not enough of her to listen…
Now that it was over there was only her heart beating like a rabbit and this terrible hurt.

-Carson McCullers

***

I felt disappointed with myself in English class today.
We were given twenty minutes to write
an essay on anything in particular and it was based on a diary entry.
Even though I had quite a few ideas to write about I don't know why
I couldn't write out the words onto the paper.
I just kept staring and staring at the paper with only the words
"Dear Diary" written at the top and when I realised I had
only five minutes left to complete,I did what I do best at;
Panic and scribbled down nonsense.
I sort of feel useless.

Dare to Dream

I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption,
endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love,
neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow,
where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps,
and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me,
and nobody would ever see us any more.

-"The Castle" by Franz Kafka

***

I feel better today. But school is getting tougher than ever before and it makes me dizzy.

But

when cute strangers hold the door for you and you wake up to text messages
and you feel appreciated and when you are sunburned
and your body is warm and cold showers in the summer and diet cokes
on the porch and music soaks into your soul and when someone talks to
you first and when “i love you” comes from them first and airplanes and
grass stains and when you catch the sunset just in time and when the coffee
is just right and when you get mail and green lights and when suddenly you wake up
and you feel better and hand holding and when you have adventures
and when you learn to drive and when books make you cry and awkward small talk
and new notebooks and when you you feel cosy and warm drinking tea near the fireplace
on a winter's night and a nice picnic with your family and mates and
pretty eyes and trains and capturing beautiful scenes on camera
just so you won’t forget and new countries and when the light is perfect
and kisses on the forehead and being broken but laughing about it
and when the sky is blue and songs that make
you smile and sand in your shoes and
when you laugh and laugh and laugh


I wish all Muslims a blessed Ramadan.
May Allah grant us strength and peace and beyond
and bless our families and friends in this holy month.
Amin.

The Heart of France

Cities at night, I feel, contain men who cry in their sleep and then say Nothing.
It’s nothing. Just sad dreams. Or something like that…Swing low in your weep ship,
with your tear scans and sob probes, and you would mark them.
Women—and they can be wives, lovers, gaunt muses, fat nurses, obsessions,
devourers, exes, nemeses—will wake and turn to these men and ask, “What is it?”
And the men will say, “Nothing. No it isn’t anything really. Just sad dreams.”

The Information by Martin Amis

***

I went for the family event thing this afternoon like I was told to.
I was right,most of my relatives were there. Some I knew,some I didn't
and most I'd forgotten their names.
But this time,it was quite different. While I was there,
I spotted a little statue of the Eiffel Tower and a very pretty and big picture of Paris city
hanging on the wall with only the the Eiffel Tower in colour,
as though it was lit with bright yellow lights,while the rest of the city was in black and white.
It turns out that my Aunt had gone to Paris for work matters. I didn't know that.
So instead of watching the adults talking amongst themselves,
I admired the picture while remembering the times
I'd been there and thought Paris city had never been so beautiful,
and was as though the picture was smiling the brightest of smiles which made it
much more beautiful then it already was.

But there was this feeling of sadness inside my heart that was very much hard to explain.
It was a little sad for me. Paris had to be so beautiful but so faraway at the same time.

Castle for the Dream

I'm in a castle
standing in a tower,
looking down through a window
at the beautiful garden,
the sun setting in the distance.

The beauty in the moment
brings tears to my eyes.

Sky blue pink,
the backdrop for
roses in ever color
blooming in the garden.

— Lisa Schroeder (Chasing Brooklyn)

***

Its been about a week since I last updated. I am so sorry.
The reason I left my blog for a bit is because I had a really
busy week.My exams just started today. (English and Chemistry.)
So the pass couple of days I was busy with school work and such.
I got so caught up with school work that I didn't realise I was worrying again.
And it got so bad that i tired myself,my throat began to hurt,my body ached
and I fall ill the day before the first two papers (yesterday)
But thank god I felt better this morning.
The two papers today was alright and I hope for the very best that the result will turn out good
My exams only ends next Thursday so I'm going to leave this space for awhile.Till then.

I wish you all well. love.

PaperDolls and Crumpled Sheets

"I will tell you what Jeanne was like. She was like a piano in a country where everyone has had their hands cut off."
— Angela Carter

Question: We have family and friends who loves and cares for us,but when stuff happens,
really serious stuff happens,you just feel so alone and you cannot tell people.
They'll probably listen,but they don't know everything. There's just some stuff that you can't share.
So what do you do then?

Chase Away the Ghosts from My Head

Coach: All right, Patch. let's say you're at a party. the room is full of girls of all shapes and sizes. You see blondes, brunettes, redheads, a few girl with black hair. Some are talkative, while other appear shy. You've one girl who fits your profile - attractive, intelligent and vulnerable. Dow do you let her know you're interested?

Patch: Single her out. Talk to her.

Coach: Good. Now for the big question - how do you know if she's game or if she wants you to move on?

Patch: I study her. I figure out what she's thinking and feeling. She's not going to come right out and tell me, which is why i have to pay attention. Does she turn her body toward mine? Does she hold me eyes, then look away? Does she bite her lip and play with her hair, the way Nora is doing right now?

— Becca Fitzpatrick (Hush, Hush)

Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun scratching her legs. Or tracing letters in the dirt with a stick. Her hair was being pulled. Or she was pulling someone’s hair. And a part of you was drawn to her, and a part of you resisted—wanting to ride off on your bicycle, kick a stone, remain uncomplicated. In the same breath you felt the strength of a man, and a self-pity that made you feel small and hurt. Part of you thought: Please don’t look at me. If you don’t, I can still turn away. And part of you thought: Look at me.

The History of Love, 2005

-Nicole Krauss

***
I know I'm posting this late,and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before,but I want to thank Petty Writer,Christiejolu and Stella for the wonderful awards they had given me quite recently.
Petty Writer:http://pettywitter.blogspot.com/
Christiejolu:http://christiejolu.blogspot.com/
Stella:http://justimagination90.blogspot.com/

I don't really have anything much to talk about today. It just that my mind is so occupy on so many things. I so very worried about the exams that I'll be taking the next month,the end of the year,and the year after that,and the year after that year. I'm worried that I'm not studying enough,I'm not trying enough, I'm worried about how am I going to make it to college. I'm worried that I'll fail again. I worry about everything.

Caught In Between

I went over to my window and opened it and packed a snowball with my bare hands. The snow was very good for packing. I didn’t throw it at anything, though. I started to throw it. At a car that was parked across the street. But I changed my mind. The car looked so nice and white. Then I started to throw it at a hydrant, but that looked too nice and white, too. Finally I didn’t throw it at anything. All I did was close the window and walk around the room with the snowball, packing it harder. A little while later, I still had it with me when I and Brossard and Ackley got on the bus. The bus driver opened the doors and made me throw it out. I told him I wasn’t going to chuck it at anybody, but he wouldn’t believe me. People never believe you.

The Catcher in the Rye, 1951

-J. D. Salinger

***

Its Friday night and I'm just sitting at home wasting precious time. My Friday nights are always like this. I know that somewhere across town,in a rich girl's house there's a party going on, which is held by my former classmates.It's not really a party,more of a class gathering. I was invited actually,but I felt that I didn't really want to go. Because,if I did go,I knew that I wouldn't be enjoying myself,even though I'd be surrounded by all the so-called "cool people'' (from what I heard,they're the only ones going). They aren't really bad people. Sometimes they're nice to me,sometimes they're not. It funny you know. We've been together as a class for two years,and still don't get along,and we act like strangers when we see one another. They see me;quiet and timid,I see them; loud and obnoxious. We're opposite.
And to be honest,I like my current 2010 class much better,even if some say they don't.

Under Milk Wood

Come closer now.

Only you can hear the houses sleeping in the streets in the slow deep salt and silent black, bandaged night. Only you can see, in the blinded bedrooms, the coms and petticoats over the chairs, the jugs and basins, the glasses of teeth, Thou Shalt Not on the wall, and the yellowing dickybird-watching pictures of the dead. Only you can hear and see, behind the eyes of the sleepers, the movements and countries and mazes and colours and dismays and rainbows and tunes and wishes and flight and fall and despairs and big seas of their dreams.

From where you are, you can hear their dreams.

-Dylan Thomas

*

I'm starting to save up money bit by bit each day now. I'd usually stop halfway when comes to saving up. But its different this time,I need it for my future plans. Mom's challenging me,she says I won't save up enough and that I won't keep my word in doing these things. I'm going to prove her wrong this time.

Pretty Things

Sunlight sounds like a symphony I’ve yet to hear
without teary eyes, or a feeling similar to that of anticipation
of disappearing entirely
I used to say that it were better that I’d not speak
unless spoken to, but now I’m not so sure
today I thought I’d lost my voice
as I waited for you to pick up the phone
six rings and I hung up
you won’t call back
I watched the world wake up while everyone else slept
and the light bled through the fog, the color of chrysanthemums
all i wanted was to know that I could sleep again, tire again
because my heart’s been beating for so long and the sound
it’s beginning to define who I am quite simply
alive
in place
more related to a string of pearls, a porcelain key
than all the creeps and grows on earth
wild and tangled
awake and asleep, always singing with the passing of hours
I’d rather be put on mute.

-Virginia Woolf

Love-Knot

And still on a winter’s night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a gypsy’s ribbon looping the purple moor,
The highwayman comes riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred,
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter—
Bess, the landlord’s daughter—
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

-The Highwayman’ by Alfred Noyes

*

I've got a some news to share with all of you all. I'm going on a holiday this summer. My Dad is taking us (Mom and I) to Europe. We're going going on tour and we'll be covering places like, London,Paris,Germany,Switzerland and Netherlands. So,if anyone of you lives there,I just want to let you know that I'll be visiting your beautiful country! I'm really excited because this the first time that I'll be going to far way places like these and if I'm lucky,maybe, I'll even get to experience a little bit of snow for the first time. My flight is tonight and I'll be away for two weeks. Which means my blog will most probably be dead until I come back.


Please forgive me if I didn't mention about this earlier. Its just that there were many things going on and I wanted to make sure that this trip was really confirm before I said anything to anybody.


So..um,that's about it. I'll promise that when I get back I'll post pictures and I'll make sure I'll really post them this time 'round. I don't want to break my promise like last time.


Have a wonderful and blessed days ahead everyone! :-)
(I apologise again I didn't mention this earlier)

January to December

I saw him today. I really believed I was strong enough to not feel any of the pain I've buried so deeply inside of me. But as soon as I saw as little as those familiar waves and bleached white sneakers, everything I had tried so desperately to hide was suddenly exposed. So exposed you could see it on my face, and through the way how my legs trembled when I was sitting on the yellow bench as I started to feel all anxious and nervous. I wanted to hide my face but I simultaneously wanted you to see it. I wanted you to see how long my hair had grown, and how much more womanly I had become in as little as a year. I wanted to show you how your presence didn't phase me. I knew it was a lie, but I pretended anyway. I pretended I was happy as I talked and giggled along with my friends. In those few seconds, everything changed. I felt that familiar ache that I've felt for so long. That ache you made. That ache I've managed to hide for a year until today. When I saw your waves above the crowd, and your white sneakers below.

-Kaitlynn Lucas

This wonderful piece relates to me so much that I just had to post it.

This guy,I guess I cared too much about him that I let all these scary emotions take control of me. But that's just how I am and I can't help it. I care too much about people and too little about myself. I ache.

Fighting Your Way to Forever North

i want to be a writer, i want to aspire and inspire i want to play in a symphony, i want to host a magic show,i want to be the the friend that you call up at 2 am, i want to be a counselor, i want to change the world, i want to be happy, i want to open up in a bookstore and be impossibly cool, i want to be a journalist, i want live in the olden days and wear those vintage dresses and hats, i want not to be misunderstood,i want to make a movie that people will remember even after decades,i want to be a dream,i want to be an artist,i want to travel and see the world,i want to be fearless,i want to be love.

Question: What do you want to do or dream?

Alive & Haunting

I thought the most beautiful thing in the world must be shadow,

the million moving shapes and cul-de-sacs of shadow.

There was shadow in bureau drawers and closets and suitcases,

and shadow under houses and trees and stones,

and shadow at the back of people’s eyes and smiles, and shadow,

miles and miles and miles of it, on the night side of the earth.

-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

I Am Human-Fast Moving,Fast Fading

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
awake but cannot open my eyes
and the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
and I hope someone will help me this time
and your mother’s still calling you insane and high
swearing it’s different this time
and you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her
and that God never blessed her insides
then you hang up the phone
and feel badly for upsetting things
crawl back into bed to dream of a time
when your heart was open wide
and you loved things just because
like the sick and the dying
and sometimes when you’re on
you’re really fucking on
and your friends they sing along
and they love you
but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
you’ll fake it if you have to
and you’ll show up for work with a smile
and you’ll be better
and you’ll be smarter
and more grown up
and a better daughter or son
and a real good friend
and you’ll be awake
you’ll be alert
you’ll be positive though it hurts

and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
and you’ll be a real good listener
you’ll be honest
you’ll be brave
you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
you’ll be happy

your ship may be coming in
you’re weak but not giving in
to the cries and the wails of the valley below
and your ship may be coming in
you’re weak but not giving in
and you’ll fight it
you’ll go out fighting all of them

- Unknown

*

I was really touched when reading the comments on my previous post. Thank you everyone who posted them. I love you all :-)

I Hate Being the Ugly One in the Group

Um. Honestly,I'm not really sure how to start this post. The subject matter has been roaming in my head for as long as I can remember. And I really wanted to let out.

Ever since I was thirteen,I started having issues with clothes and trying them out in fitting rooms. It was always like,I'd picked something I'd like(with the right sizes and all) and gave it a shot in the fitting room. But unfortunately it often doesn't fit. It was either too big,too small,or it just didn't look good on me. But then when some really skinny girl tries them on,it fits them perfectly.

There was this one time when I was in this clothes store and I tried on one of their dress. It had sort of floral design and a bit of lace here and there. While I was trying it on,I was praying and hoping,hoping that it'll fit. But it didn't. I felt really disgusted with myself so I just gave the dress to the sales assistant and ran out of the store and I was crying a little.

I get really,really disappointed start to hate and get angry and with myself whenever this things happen. Eventually,it made me hate going in fitting rooms and trying on new clothes because I just didn't want to upset myself all over again.

And this made me the not so fashionable one whenever I go out in a group while the rest of them wore stuff that I could only dream about wearing.
And I only own a few selected dresses and blouses.

*
*
*

“Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.”

-J.K. Rowling


Jo March: I’m ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I’m just so fitful and I can’t stand being here! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Marmee. There’s just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can’t. And I just know I’ll never fit in anywhere.

Little Women (1994)

Cities,Papers,Smiles & Crowns

I've really got nothing to update about except that my summer has officially start. (Yay!) And that I've gotten back my report card and unfortunately I'm not really satisfy with the way it turned out. I failed Math. Only. In spite of that,the report still does not look good and satisfying. It's not bad,its not very good,its just average and there's really nothing to "Wow!" about. I was kinda hoping for something different this time,but no.
Mom and Dad didn't say anything. I guess they're okay with me failing only one subject.
I need to try harder for the coming exam.

Oh,and since I love poetry so much,here,I'll leave you with one.
Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

Tonight you’re thinking of cities under crowns
of snow and I stare at you like I’m looking through a window,
counting birds.
You wanted happiness, I can’t blame you for that,
and maybe a mouth sounds idiotic when it blathers on about joy
but tell me
you love this, tell me you’re not miserable.

Richard Siken

Beauty of a Garden Bed

But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one’s longevity and the other’s daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them—
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

-Sylvia Path

*

I am so sorry that my posts sound annoying and boring recently. Its just that I'm currently busy with somethings and don't have much time to write my own stuff.

You see,my house was on renovation for this pass two months and I've been staying and Grandma's house all this while. Now,the renovation is done and all that's left is adding up the finishing touches. So I've moved back to my home(just yesterday in fact) and I've got alot of things to sort out. I've got to help Mom and Dad with the unpacking and rearranging the furnitures which means I won't be able to play the computer as much as I always do.

Dad says to "Work more,Play less". Haha.

But I'll try my best to do things quicker so I'll get a chance to play the computer.

And to all those who have tag me,thank you so much. I'll do the tag most probably by this week!

Have a great week ahead everyone!

Fly to the Night Sky

Night can swallow you up, yet none of it touches you. Around any corner, there’s a promise of something daring and ideal and things are just getting going. There’s something obscenely joyful behind every door, either that or somebody crying with their head in their hands. The atmosphere pulsates with bygone duels, past-life romance, comrades requesting comrades to aid them in some way. You can’t see it, but you know it’s here. Somebody is always sinking.

Bob Dylan

*

I skipped school yesterday because I woke up late. Not overslept,just woke up late. Plus,I was just lazy. Our exams are way over and the holidays are just days away from now so no lesson going on now (okay,maybe there is but just a few)

Besides, I've always been a the good girl,obeys rules and always out of trouble. Maybe this time I wanna be different,take some risks.

People have always been so overprotective of me. Let me just get out of this cage for awhile.