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Friday, March 5, 2010

I Make Sure I Suffer Little, but Die with Courage and Dignity and Clean Underwear

Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I picture my funeral and write eulogies in my head. In the fantasy,I almost always die in some tragic but unavoidable way.

I fall,and get back up,then I fall again. Much harder this time 'round. By then,I forgot how get back up on my feet again. So I lay helplessly on the ground. People are walking. I can see thier shoes. I can hear their footsteps. They all look different,and sound different. They walked passed me,they step over me, some just walk around me. I feel like I'm a ghost. Invisible. But even ghosts are sometimes visible to the human eye. Then I see a pair of black sneakers,a pair of feet is moving. Its heading towards my direction. It was a girl,I could tell from the way she walks. Her shoes stopped right in front of me. She bent down,and as she did so,her long black hair fall down her shoulders. I could see her face clearly now. She had a fair complexion,small nose,her lips were of perfect shape. Her eyes,they looked at with full curiosity. Her forehead frown. I think she thinks I'm weird,who wouldn't? Then,she suddenly,spoke, "Are you okay?" It took me a minute to respond to her sudden question. "Yeah,I'm..uh..fine" I finally answer. I think my boring,sad voice tone,give everything away. Because she reached out hand,and said "Here,let me help you get back up again." I did. I took her hand. And she did what she said she would,she helped me get back up again. From then on,I never did fall,even if I did,I knew that there was someone I could reach out to.

Even when I still can't sleep,I have this imagination. I wonder if there is someone out there who really cares. Someone who will show up at my funeral. Someone who will cry. And someone who will hold their tears back for fear of never stopping.


  1. I would come all the way from America and I would cry my eyes out!

  2. That was so heartfelt, and I love the pic! And even though I hardly know you, I know that you have a wonderful, sweet personality and I definitely care, and I would cry :(

  3. heyy i wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog! your blog is so interesting by the way! i happen to love this entry. (:

  4. This almost made me cry too.
    I would cry. xo

  5. I imagen my funeral sometimes as well. I want tulips, no roses and Joy division to be played quietly while someone says a couple of words about my life. Nothing dorky, nothing emotionall. Just some facts. Like she only lived to be nineteen.

  6. Wow this is pretty deep. I must say I don't imagine my death often. I am pretty sure there would be many sad people in the world if you were to leave it!

  7. This is beautiful in the most dark, disturbing way. I am always amazed how you write about things like this - and you seem to be writing stuff that's in MY head.

    There would be whole crowd of ppl crying after you. From all over the world, even.

    See, this is how I feel, too. that is, when I don't feel like I am Madam Satan...

  8. You are such an amazing writer <3

    xx, Melissa


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