I Hate Being the Ugly One in the Group

Um. Honestly,I'm not really sure how to start this post. The subject matter has been roaming in my head for as long as I can remember. And I really wanted to let out.

Ever since I was thirteen,I started having issues with clothes and trying them out in fitting rooms. It was always like,I'd picked something I'd like(with the right sizes and all) and gave it a shot in the fitting room. But unfortunately it often doesn't fit. It was either too big,too small,or it just didn't look good on me. But then when some really skinny girl tries them on,it fits them perfectly.

There was this one time when I was in this clothes store and I tried on one of their dress. It had sort of floral design and a bit of lace here and there. While I was trying it on,I was praying and hoping,hoping that it'll fit. But it didn't. I felt really disgusted with myself so I just gave the dress to the sales assistant and ran out of the store and I was crying a little.

I get really,really disappointed start to hate and get angry and with myself whenever this things happen. Eventually,it made me hate going in fitting rooms and trying on new clothes because I just didn't want to upset myself all over again.

And this made me the not so fashionable one whenever I go out in a group while the rest of them wore stuff that I could only dream about wearing.
And I only own a few selected dresses and blouses.

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“Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.”

-J.K. Rowling


Jo March: I’m ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I’m just so fitful and I can’t stand being here! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Marmee. There’s just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can’t. And I just know I’ll never fit in anywhere.

Little Women (1994)

Cities,Papers,Smiles & Crowns

I've really got nothing to update about except that my summer has officially start. (Yay!) And that I've gotten back my report card and unfortunately I'm not really satisfy with the way it turned out. I failed Math. Only. In spite of that,the report still does not look good and satisfying. It's not bad,its not very good,its just average and there's really nothing to "Wow!" about. I was kinda hoping for something different this time,but no.
Mom and Dad didn't say anything. I guess they're okay with me failing only one subject.
I need to try harder for the coming exam.

Oh,and since I love poetry so much,here,I'll leave you with one.
Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

Tonight you’re thinking of cities under crowns
of snow and I stare at you like I’m looking through a window,
counting birds.
You wanted happiness, I can’t blame you for that,
and maybe a mouth sounds idiotic when it blathers on about joy
but tell me
you love this, tell me you’re not miserable.

Richard Siken

You're Loved & Tagged!

10 Things you desire
1.Snow
2.a horse,although I'm not allowed to
3.a camera,I'll get a chance to post some pictures at least.
4.sit and talk to someone about anything. its been a long time since i did.
5.know how to play a musical instrument.
6.i want to meet various authors.
7.get an A or at least a B for Math
8.attend to a ballroom dance
9.not feel awkward in crowds
10.get my house done its makeover!

9.Musicians/bands you love:

1.Taylor Swift
2.Carrie Underwood
3.Erin Mccarley
4.Lady Gaga
5.Lady Antebellum
6.Colbie Caillat
7.The Corrs
8.Holly Brook
9.Laura Jansen

8 Things you do everyday:
1.Daydream
2.People watch
3.Joke around with my cousin Alisha
4.Tumbling and Blogging
5.Feel panicky and worry for no particular reason at all.
6.wish that I were...
7.Get lonely
8.Not go to sleep when I should

7 Things you enjoy:
1.reading, libraries, ALL books
2.Waffles with honey and smoothies! YUM :)
3.Theatre,Poetry,Literature
4.Watching C.S.I Miami
5.Finding a new artist/song that none of my friends ever heard of
6. Buying notebooks,diaries,bags,and purses and accessories
7.Reading beautiful writing piece

6 Things that will always win your heart:
1.Flowers,any type!
2.Boys with soft ,great hair
3.People who are charming and nice
4.Words. always words. people that write/speak beautiful,nice words
5.Paperdolls
6.Vintage photos

5 Favourites:
1.Movie: I don’t think my favourite film has been made yet. I have dreams about it all the time.
2.Song: I like any song that has a beautiful meaning to it
3.Book: i have many favourites,its so hard to choose. Sorry!
4.Band: I don't have one to be honest..!
5.Colour: Pink and Black.

4 Smells you enjoy:
1.sweet popcorn
2.old books
3.white roses and rain
4.coffee

3 Places you want to go:
1.Egypt to see river Nile
2.Venice
3.The Moon,Neverland,Castles...and so many other beautiful places!

2 Animals you love:
1.Horse. I've adored them evers since I was little. Maybe I'll build up a stable one day. Maybe..
2.Owls. Those mysterious creatures are beautiful.

1 Person you’d marry on the spot:
1.I'm not sure,they're many attractive,handsome men out there. Question is whether would he want me?

Thank you to:
Random Rawr (http://randomrawr.blogspot.com/)
Alice In wonderland (http://thewondersofalice.blogspot.com/)
Christiejolu (http://christiejolu.blogspot.com/)
Dandalily (http://iwantedtoprovesomething.blogspot.com/)
P.s. I am me(http://andsomyheartcrumbles.blogspot.com/)
Cara(http://caraalynn.blogspot.com/)
and to everyone who I forgot to mention and also to those who comment on my posts!

Like I promised,I'd do the tag by this week. And I'm sorry if its different from the ones you've tagged me,since I've missed out on some them,I decided to come up with a new one. I hope you don't mind! And this goes out to everyone!!

Audrey & Grace

Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn backstage at the Oscars in 1955.

Too much lovely in one room!
lovelovelove!

Beauty of a Garden Bed

But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one’s longevity and the other’s daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimallight of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them—
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

-Sylvia Path

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I am so sorry that my posts sound annoying and boring recently. Its just that I'm currently busy with somethings and don't have much time to write my own stuff.

You see,my house was on renovation for this pass two months and I've been staying and Grandma's house all this while. Now,the renovation is done and all that's left is adding up the finishing touches. So I've moved back to my home(just yesterday in fact) and I've got alot of things to sort out. I've got to help Mom and Dad with the unpacking and rearranging the furnitures which means I won't be able to play the computer as much as I always do.

Dad says to "Work more,Play less". Haha.

But I'll try my best to do things quicker so I'll get a chance to play the computer.

And to all those who have tag me,thank you so much. I'll do the tag most probably by this week!

Have a great week ahead everyone!

Fly to the Night Sky

Night can swallow you up, yet none of it touches you. Around any corner, there’s a promise of something daring and ideal and things are just getting going. There’s something obscenely joyful behind every door, either that or somebody crying with their head in their hands. The atmosphere pulsates with bygone duels, past-life romance, comrades requesting comrades to aid them in some way. You can’t see it, but you know it’s here. Somebody is always sinking.

Bob Dylan

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I skipped school yesterday because I woke up late. Not overslept,just woke up late. Plus,I was just lazy. Our exams are way over and the holidays are just days away from now so no lesson going on now (okay,maybe there is but just a few)

Besides, I've always been a the good girl,obeys rules and always out of trouble. Maybe this time I wanna be different,take some risks.

People have always been so overprotective of me. Let me just get out of this cage for awhile.

Turn your Scars into Stars

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
On the girl’s brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret.

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

10 Days and Counting

she wears a sorrow her beauty can’t hide
i pray she sheds it and sleeps the whole night
she wakes when she dreams
she sleeps when she wakes


- darkesteyes

I hate school. I can't help it,its just so hard to feel happy in that place.
I've only got 10 more days left,I just hope I don't sink to the deepest and drown.

"Do your homework,get inspired"

Life in school will be better if this work out like these. :(

I'm counting down to my summer break. I only have to endure two more weeks of school, then I'm free as a bird.

LoveLoveLove

Soon enough it’ll be summer,I'll have a month break from school and I’ll read more books and travel to magical places and (hopefully) I'll smile more and laugh more and cry less and dance more and swim more, turn my skin into liquid summer from staying in pools for too long and soon enough I’ll have the right words, I hope to god i’ll have the right words.

I had a great birthday yesterday,there was ice-cream cake :D

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday. You made it so much better,than it already was. Thank you. I love you all.
And Tywo,you're wonderful,thank you for making a post especially for me.

*BIG HUGS*

Ideal Birthday Present

Everybody gets high
Everybody gets low
Everybody gets bruised
Everybody gets sold
Everybody gets dark
Everybody unfolds
Everybody gets high
Everybody gets so low

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Mom's getting better,that's good.I guess I think too much and it my insecurities were acting up.

My birthday's tomorrow and I don't excited. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. Some people had asked me what I wanted. I couldn't really decide.

Flowers was an pne of the option.

I wanted flowers. Real ones. Lots of them. Different types,different colours. But it wouldn't work out in the end because no matter how much I sprinkled them with water,feed them sunlight and showed them love and care,it'd eventually die. I guess I don't own green hands.

So I had to go with the second option. I wanted a card. Not just any card. I wanted one that had many inspiring words in them. Whether it was self-written or not,I didn't care. I wanted a card that happy,pretty words. This may not be the most creative birthday gift ever. But I guess,I wanted a card because I love words so much. Words always made a big impact on me. It may not be a big deal to some people,but its definitely and always will be a big deal to me. This why I admire writers so much.

That was it. I wanted a card with lovely words in it. I hope I'm not asking for too much.

GUILTY

Mom is feeling unwell.
It sucks.
This is the time when I start to feel
Gulity.Sad.Self-Critical.Afraid.
That sucks even alot more.

I'm starting to regret things.
Mean things that I've said to/about my Mom.
Even for the ones that I wasn't at fault.

So this is me,
A selfless,hypocrite daughter.
I feel terrible.

"The devil says it's my fault
I'm stupid enough to listen to him."

P.S. I didn't give Mom anything for Mother's Day. She doesn't like things like that. She prefers love & affection from her daughter. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Madeline and Some Other Random Stuff

I want to thank everyone who posted sweet comment on my previous. Words make a big impact on me so reading those encouraging comments made me feel better.
And thank you to Alice in Wonderland,Christiejolu and Random Rawr for passing me awards!
(I'll post them soon!)

I decided not to post something depressing today and post something else.


In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines
Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines
In two straight lines they broke their bread
And brushed their teeth and went to bed.
They left the house at half past nine
In two straight lines in rain or shine-
The smallest one was Madeline.

My Mom and I use to watch this show with every morning when I was little.
But then,
she got busy
and I got so caught up with this and that.
We stopped watching and I almost forgot the show existed.
Untill today,when I saw its commercial while I was channel surfing.


RANDOM FACTS:




These may look like celebratory fireworks,
but it’s actually the Nazi Germans bombing Moscow in 1941.


Taken during the 1989 protests at Beijing’s Tiananmen Square. The unknown man, who later became known as the Tank Man, who stood in front of a column of Chinese Type 59 tanks.

The man placed himself in the middle of the street directly in the path of the tanks. He motioned to the tanks with the shopping bags he had on him. In response, the tank tried to drive around him, but the man moved into their path yet again. When the tanks finally stopped, the man climbed on top of one and apparently talked to the driver for a few minutes. After he climbed off, the tanks got ready to move again, but the man jumped in front of the armored vehicles yet again. Finally, the police pulled him away and he disappeared into the crowd. The tanks continued on.

It is most likely that the man was executed shortly after this occurred, as no one ever found out who he was or saw him again. Yet he, along with this photo, is considered one of the biggest symbols of non-violent action and protesting in the world.


1994 Pulitzer Prize winning photo by Kevin Carter.

In March 1993 Carter made a trip to southern Sudan. The sound of soft, high-pitched whimpering near the village of Ayod attracted Carter to an emaciated Sudanese toddler. The girl had stopped to rest while struggling to a feeding center. A vulture landed nearby and it was waiting for the girl to die.. He said that he waited about 20 minutes, hoping that the vulture would spread its wings. It didn’t. Carter took the photograph and chased the vulture away. They were instructed not to help or to touch the starving people because of disease.

Kevin Carter killed himself next year. Apparently he was so haunted by what he had seen in Sudan, and felt guilty for not helping, that he couldn’t go on anymore.




(POINTLESS)RANDOM PICTURES:

(LOL.the leaf is suppose to move -_-)

Again and Again

I sat down for my accounting paper
with pure determination
I could answer the questions.
I could pass.

But those positive thoughts vanished
when I read the questions.
They were tough
I had visions of myself getting back the paper.
No smile,Sad,Disappointed,Hopeless.
I guess,
I should've studied a little more the night before.

I groaned.
I regret.

My day got a lot worse after that.

Two schoolmates if mine,
Boys.
We were of the same age
but not really the same height.
One was a little taller
the other was shorter.

I've known them for 2 years,
but we've never had a proper conversation.
It was mainly
them
teasing
me.
Sometimes playful,
sometimes not.

They still tease me to this very day.
Today.
I wasn't,of course,
like a 3-year old
who cried over things like that.
In fact,
I merely laugh at it.

But then,
it got mean
and mean
and
meaner.
They said things.
Mean things about
your face,
your height,
your weight.
And sometimes they're never true.
They just want you to feel bad.

Their words were like bullets shooting my heart.
It hit. It hurts.
But I kept quiet.
I was afraid to shut them up.
Afraid that I'd make a fool out me.
But the truth was what I wished to do was
scream and beat the shit out of them.
But of course I didn't.
I kept quiet,as they continued their fun.
How appropriate.

And for the record,
these boys,some of my school boys
they are like that.
Their mind sets are like that.
They think its cool to tease
and insult
and swear,
on girls (they don't seem attracted to)
on teachers
and stuff they don't care.

No,its not cool.
Not awesome.
Not cute.

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When I got home,
I got into an argument with
Mom and Dad.
Mom especially. Again.
She was always finding fault in me.
Always.

Later that afternoon,
they went out.
I could hear the door slammed
it echoed the whole house.
I was in my room.
Alone.

At times like this
normal people would have
called and text their friends,
console in them.
I didn't.
I don't have any friends
to call
to text
to console to.
I was,
Alone.

Then I started to cry.
I didn't want to
but
I did.
I couldn't control the tears
I cried
I cried
I cried
I thought about,
how I am such loser,
how pathetic my life was
how everything was going from good
to bad,to worse,to shit.

Then I suddenly felt tired.
I slowly lay in bed
Closed my eyes
and
drift off to sleep
my face wet with tears.
I needed to rest.

The Passage of Time

Its funny how everyday feels the same.

You do the same things,go through the same routines.

But at the end of the day or maybe some point of time,

you look back and think everything isn't the same anymore like it was yesterday.

-

I'm excited what tomorrow may bring but at the same time I'm afraid.

I mean, you have no idea what's going to happen.

Is it a good thing,a bad thing,difficult or easy to deal with?

I don't know.

Hairpins & Clips

I remember when I was little I love buying these.

Then Mom will get annoyed with me because I took hours to choose which one I wanted.

Back then,that was my hobby,hair pin collecting!

I'm not sure if I still have them or not,I think some of them are missing.

Misplace or something.

I still buy these pins and clips now,but I'd only buy those that are the colour black,

and its because our school only allows black/dark blue hairbands and hair clips.

Ha,I think that's a pretty dumb school rule.

***

My exams are still going on and it only ends at the end of this week.

I'm not that worried actually.

Most of the important papers I've already sat for.

Like Math & Physics.

Glad that was over last week!

I have a feeling that this week is going to a good one and I'm gonna like it

(providing that the questions on my test papers aren't too difficult for me) I mean,what's not to like,

all I have to do is come school,sit for the papers (at most 1 hour),and then go home (:

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So anyway,enough about me, what about you? I hope everyone is doing great!

Tale of Existence

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

Like diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

and the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft starts that shine and sing at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

There's still a spark somewhere.

MyNameIsNabilaHazirah

I got this idea from Tiana Lachelle and since Cara gave me an award,I thought it was perfect to post it along with this award. Thank You to these two lovely ladies!

Award by Cara-caraalynn.blogspot.com

(I just love the teddy bear)
The rules are basicly;
*give this award to 10 sweet and friendly bloggers,
*make a post about the award including the picture and mention the person who gave it to you,
*put the award on your blog,
and
*let your nominated 10 know you've awarded them by leaving a comment!

The 10 nominess are;
Tiana-tianalachelle.blogspot.com
Chlo-sleepy-tigers.blogspot.com
Athena-lets-flyaway-now.blogspot.com
Just a little bit of French-justalittlebitfrench.blogspot.com
iLove-letters2anex.blogspot.com
Gina-motherof1princessand2princes.blogspot.com
Battleinmind-battleinmind.blogspot.com
Kakes-lightsofamman.blogspot.com
Sabine Cara-brokenintimacy.blogspot.com
Levianna-levianacoccia.blogspot.com

:D

***
The post that I wanted to post like Tiana's-tianalachelle.blospot.com was an "About Me" post. Since I've never really told you some stuff about myself,so here's my chance to do so.

My name is: Nabilah Hazirah
Fave colour: Pink! I like pink ever since I was little. I kinda blame Barbie for this.
Muisc I love listening to: Country,Acoustic,Pop
Things I like: Muisc,Books,Tv,Internet,Unicorns,Cats,Flowers,Vintage stuff,Rainy Nights,Dreaming,Writing,Classic Stories,Rolloer Coasters,Quotes,Cotton Candy,Ice-cream,Chocolate,Mangoes,Strawberries,Travelling,Nice People.
Things I hate: Mean People.

Random Facts:
-I wear glasses.
-I rarely wear T-shirts when I go out. i wear blouses or sundresses instead.
-I really wish my school was like Hogwarts and the teachers would trun into cats and warewolves.
-I like the feeling of passing a test.
-I wish I started this blog years ago.
-I want to be skinny and lovely.
-I like making sad people happy again.
-I suck at hairstyling. That's why I I always stick to ponytails.
-I may write some depressing stuff and it may seem that I'm emotionally unstable,but there's one thing I will NEVER do. Cut myself. And its simply because I'm afraid to do so.

Lastly,I remember reading a comment,I think its from knk. Said that I've met some bad situations. Its true,I have,plenty of 'em. And even though,I've regretted and feel sorry for myself all the time,I leran many so much form it. It taught me many things about human nature and that's how I got about observing people.

Bad situations were:
-I got hospitalized early last year. It was beacause I had fever,and the doctors found out that there was bacteria in my blood. I know,eeww! But thank god,they're gone now! :)
During that period of time,my friends didn't bother about me.
-I've experienced the "i like him,but he likes her" situation.
-I got into a fight with one of my juniors last year.
-The feelings of being the irrelevant one in a group
-Having a shitty friend,whcih lead me into even more bad situations.
And some other stuff.

I can't find the right words to describe how I felt during this times. The feeling was so terrible,I had talked to no one because nobody gives a damn to what I had to say. I was laughing almost every single day during those times and I look as if I was okay. But the truth was I wasn't.
I was sad everyday. It was the the sadness I haven't felt since childhood. The kind of sadness you feel at the end of summer. When summer love comes to a halt,the fireflies are gone,the ponds have dried up and the plants are wilted,weary from being so green.

But I'm slightly better now,better than before.

So that was my "About Me". Now you know me a little better. Happy May Day everyone.

Dear Deer,

One day I am going to get a deer, like Audrey had Ip. I am going to love it a lot,
and hopefully it will love me back. That’s the thing with animals.
All they want from you is food, and shelter and to be pet, and they will love you.
It’s a simple and pleasant thing and there's little fuss over somethings.
I wish humans were uncomplicated like that.