Slow Hunter

This was her, Mick Kelly, walking in the daytime and by herself at night.
In the hot sun and in the dark with all the plans and feelings.
This music was her—the real plain her…
This music did not take a long time or a short time.
It did not have anything to do with time going by at all.
She sat with her arms around her legs, biting her salty knee very hard.
The whole world was this symphony,
and there was not enough of her to listen…
Now that it was over there was only her heart beating like a rabbit and this terrible hurt.

-Carson McCullers

***

I felt disappointed with myself in English class today.
We were given twenty minutes to write
an essay on anything in particular and it was based on a diary entry.
Even though I had quite a few ideas to write about I don't know why
I couldn't write out the words onto the paper.
I just kept staring and staring at the paper with only the words
"Dear Diary" written at the top and when I realised I had
only five minutes left to complete,I did what I do best at;
Panic and scribbled down nonsense.
I sort of feel useless.

Dare to Dream

I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption,
endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love,
neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow,
where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps,
and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me,
and nobody would ever see us any more.

-"The Castle" by Franz Kafka

***

I feel better today. But school is getting tougher than ever before and it makes me dizzy.

Breakdown

Do you ever just get that feeling where you don’t wanna talk to anybody?
You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy, but at the same time,
you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone
who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone.
People have stopped being comforting, and being alone never was.
At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong
and there isn’t anyone who won’t take, ‘I don’t know,’ as an answer.
You feel the way you do just because, you hope the feeling will pass soon
and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

***

I've been so frustrated and annoyed with almost everything
and I've acted harsh towards everyone lately.
I feel sad and lonely all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

(Helpless) Fragile Souls

I don’t want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can’t think again.

Not ever again. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that.

That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist.

Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that.

I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.

That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
— The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

There was a lovely butterfly in our class flying around aimlessly today.

The boys were being immature and tried scaring it away with brooms and sticks and laughed

and laughed uncontrollably. Poor,poor delicate butterfly,ended up with a broken wing

while trying to escape from those horrifying,cruel,heartless monsters.

I don't find the scene funny the slightest bit.

See now,precious,fragile beings always ends up getting hurt and partially to die.
How are they victims all the time.

Mirror

I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
So I almost never ever look at myself in the mirror unless it’s to check that
I don’t have something stuck in between my teeth,
or to see if my nose is still off centre,
or if my face is still horribly asymmetrical or if my face is still funny
or it’s an awful accident but sometimes, it’s so much more than that.
Sometimes, when I can stand looking at myself long enough,
I get scared because I see all of me
and I see all ninety-seven fragments of myself trapped in my champagne-coloured eyes,
struggling to break free. I see weakness and failure and disappointment
and boredom and restlessness.
I see what people see when they tell me I look so much like my mother
but I also see the awkwardness and bafflement in their pitying gazes
because I am not beautiful like her.
I see my father’s eyes.
I see myself cradling my fragility
and I see everything I am and everything I’m not
and everything I should be and everything I can’t be and everything I want to be
but I really see that I’m nothing, and I cringe every time I look at myself in the mirror.
This is the mainly the reason why I don't often go to the restroom when I'm outside
or in someone's home and annoys the hell out of me when people keep on telling me to go.
No,I don't feel like using the toilet and I don't see why I need to groom myself.
It's pretty pointless.
I'd still look horrible and I'd just feel alot worse.
Some people just don't understand this.

Not So Pretty Words

I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry.

I didn’t know why I was going to cry,

but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely

the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat

and I’d cry for a week.

I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like

water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.
-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

***

I've received back my exam papers today.

I did quite well and there has been a slight improvement in my

performance compared to the previous,previous tests that
I took. But I failed one out of the six subjects,and this time it isn't Math,

but Physics!
But oh well,nevermind.

I'll take it as a hint telling me that I need to work much harder next time.

I have another exam this coming September and I'm already feeling very afraid.

But

when cute strangers hold the door for you and you wake up to text messages
and you feel appreciated and when you are sunburned
and your body is warm and cold showers in the summer and diet cokes
on the porch and music soaks into your soul and when someone talks to
you first and when “i love you” comes from them first and airplanes and
grass stains and when you catch the sunset just in time and when the coffee
is just right and when you get mail and green lights and when suddenly you wake up
and you feel better and hand holding and when you have adventures
and when you learn to drive and when books make you cry and awkward small talk
and new notebooks and when you you feel cosy and warm drinking tea near the fireplace
on a winter's night and a nice picnic with your family and mates and
pretty eyes and trains and capturing beautiful scenes on camera
just so you won’t forget and new countries and when the light is perfect
and kisses on the forehead and being broken but laughing about it
and when the sky is blue and songs that make
you smile and sand in your shoes and
when you laugh and laugh and laugh


I wish all Muslims a blessed Ramadan.
May Allah grant us strength and peace and beyond
and bless our families and friends in this holy month.
Amin.

Sometime Tomorrow

I feel like i’m in a really odd in-between stage right now.

I sound like a horrible cliche, but it’s like I’m not a child,

but I’m not quite old enough yet.

I can’t explain it. But all i feel like i can do is sit around.

I'm not quite old enough, so I can’t really do anything.

But I’m not young enough to be entertained by the things I used

to be entertained by.

I hate it when I can’t explain myself.

***

Everyone will have their own partner or groups to stick around with.
I have no one. No friends.
No one wants to hang around with a madgirl anyway.
I will be the awkward,pathetic-looking girl who will just be
tagging along with the rest.

I will be going on a field trip with my class to some school tomorrow
and its not going to be fun.

Singapore

Dear City of many races,Good food and Humid weather.

You've given me so much for the pass fifteen years and I feel like
I owe you. So maybe you've never given us snow,castles,
or anything like that. But ah,that's okay,you still have many varieties
of good food and I love you for that!

Happy 45th Independence Day Singapore!
Best wishes for many years to come.

Love,
A Very Shy Citizen.

The Heart of France

Cities at night, I feel, contain men who cry in their sleep and then say Nothing.
It’s nothing. Just sad dreams. Or something like that…Swing low in your weep ship,
with your tear scans and sob probes, and you would mark them.
Women—and they can be wives, lovers, gaunt muses, fat nurses, obsessions,
devourers, exes, nemeses—will wake and turn to these men and ask, “What is it?”
And the men will say, “Nothing. No it isn’t anything really. Just sad dreams.”

The Information by Martin Amis

***

I went for the family event thing this afternoon like I was told to.
I was right,most of my relatives were there. Some I knew,some I didn't
and most I'd forgotten their names.
But this time,it was quite different. While I was there,
I spotted a little statue of the Eiffel Tower and a very pretty and big picture of Paris city
hanging on the wall with only the the Eiffel Tower in colour,
as though it was lit with bright yellow lights,while the rest of the city was in black and white.
It turns out that my Aunt had gone to Paris for work matters. I didn't know that.
So instead of watching the adults talking amongst themselves,
I admired the picture while remembering the times
I'd been there and thought Paris city had never been so beautiful,
and was as though the picture was smiling the brightest of smiles which made it
much more beautiful then it already was.

But there was this feeling of sadness inside my heart that was very much hard to explain.
It was a little sad for me. Paris had to be so beautiful but so faraway at the same time.

Less Exciting

I am told to go for a family event thing this afternoon but the tell the truth I don't want to.
It's not like my cousins aren't going to be there,they are. Its just that,I don't want to and
I don't really communicate with my relatives that much or recognise half of them!
I already know what I'm going to expect.
My relatives are going to say how big I've grown,ask what grade am at I in school,
who's daughter am I,all that stuff and I get really tired hearing them commenting on me.
At the end of the end all I do sit
one spot and look bored while I wait for the the adults to finish talking.

I rather be spending the afternoon in the bookstore browsing through good books.

Secret#1 I don't like going for huge family events and stuff.

Apple Leaves

My exams has ended. I can sleep peacefully now till next season.

P.S. I've missing out alot recently. I'll catch up on everyone's blog and return all the lovely comments.