I wish I could hear you say my name. Just to know how it sounds,coming out from those lips. Your lips.
I had a dream about you yesterday night. It felt so fucking real. I could almost feel my emotions flowing through my body,every bit of me. You looked at me. I looked at you. We stared. Our eyes locked.
And in an instant,I felt a familiar feeling. I've felt this once before. Heart racing with excitement,my cheeks had a rosy glow,an instant shock,that absolute thrill I felt travelling all over me.
It felt,
like the first time we met. The first time we ever set our eyes on each other.
When everything and everyone were so innocent,so carefree and I was the only one
you stole glances at and tried to attract.
Then I hear an a continuous ringing sound. Goddamn it,they annoy my ears!
The next thing I knew I was staring at my ceiling,wide-eyed.
And I realised that all of that was a dream.
A fucking,meaningless dream.
My head was playing games with me.
Fuck!
I wish I had never woken up
I really wish I didn't.
Everything was just a dream,but my feelings weren't.
They were real.
They were real.
They are fucking real and I can still feel it everytime you walk by,everytime
you're close by.
The feeling comes back. Stronger each time.
I'm scared. afraid. terrified.
Of you. Scared to even look at you.
I'm afraid if those emotions come back and refuse to go away.
I'm fearful of my feelings towards you.
Ugh!
I'm such an idiot.
Why am I even scared? I really don't understand anything ever.
Please,
Just please without a single doubt,
hold me close, take my hand,place your fingers in between mine and take away all this crippling fear.
and
Erase all the bad memories that we kept in our heads and back pockets.
Now,now,please,do it now.
I want you
I want you
I fucking want you okay.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Survey: "Mainstreams"
Thank you to Leviana from LOVE & COFFEE SHOP for letting me part for her assignment! She mailed me this survey and I just felt like posting it here.
*I wasn't to familiar with some of the question I apologise if I ran out of point!
PURPOSE: To identify how girls are dealing with/have dealt with the struggles of youth differently than what the mainstream media has deemed as “normal.”
PART A: Q & A
1. Which period of your life (identify it by age) was the most difficult? What factors played into this difficulty?
-13 years old.
2. During this time period, what were the dominant media that you viewed/read/embraced? (Magazines, television, newspapers, radio, billboards, advertisements, etc).
-Magazines & Television.
3. Have you ever felt like you were not able to express how you were feeling because the “mainstream” (more dominant perspectives and modes of communication) deemed what you felt was/were important, meaningless? (For example, were there photographs of thin and/or curvy women on the front page of a mainstream magazine that you felt dictated who you had to be?)
-Yes. During a certain point of time.
4. Did you find a way to express how you were feeling? If so, how did you find your voice?
-Yes,through writing.
5. Which event/incident during this period of your life really affected you as a girl (menarche [the first time you got your period], sexual/physical abuse, an eating disorder, family problems, insecurities, feelings of being neglected, difficult financial situation, not being noticed by a certain person, different sexual orientation, bullying, different values/opinions/beliefs, teen pregnancy, etc)? Why do you think you this incident was/these incidents were so harsh?
-There were lots of incidents,but insecurities & neglect were the ones that really affected me deeply.
6.In this same time period, were there any social problem(s), conflict(s), or anxiety/ies that you did not agree with? If so, what were they?
-Yes,I wouldn't specifically say what were they but most of them has to do with friends & feeling the need to meet people expectations.
7.How did you resist these social problems/conflicts/anxieties? (Did you take part in any anti-social movements, like an all-girl organization, blog, zine, etc., to apply your resistance? Why did you feel the need to resist to such a problem?)
-I decided to set up a blog. I wanted to distract myself from these problems because I didn't want any of these problems to take control of me or go overboard. And I found out that owning a blog was one of the where I could easily honestly express myself.
8. Did you know any other girls in your situation/experiencing similar threats? How were they like you? How were they unlike you? (Race, beliefs, style of dress, social class, etc).
-No,not many.I wasn't really close with anyone,so they didn't talk out their problems with me that much.
9.What does the word “mainstream” mean to you? How does/did the identity of the “mainstream society” affect you?
-To me,"mainstream" is like a large group where people feel that they have this need to follow and do the same thing as one another(especially friends),because maybe,I guess, by not following the same thing they felt left out and worried people would think of them differently. And I kinda understand that certain people don't want to be left out or don't want to be look at so awkwardly different from everybody else.
I guess it affected me emotionally. Its a tough decision to make,because at times I had to decide on whether you should follow this and that just so you could please and sort of impress everyone or whether I could just go ahead and be my own self and express myself in certain ways that I felt comfortable with. So in the end,I tried to balance out everything. I decided to express myself in my own way but at the same time I tried to keep up with what the mainstream society were doing or wearing. If I felt that a certain activity or trend the mainstream did was good or beneficial to me I'd follow,but if not. Then no.
10.How do you reflect your difference(s) from the “mainstream” into your daily life? (Do you behave differently than the “mainstream” would expect? Do you wear different clothing than the current styles deem “normal?” Do you take part in any group activities promoting identity, equality, and other things that the “mainstream” counters?)
-I don't take part in any activities,but sometimes I do wear different clothing rather than the current trends.
11.How would you describe the means of communication you use most to express your identity to the “broader mainstream public?” What do you do differently in your means of communication that separates you from the “mainstream” methods of communication?
-Writing,I guess.
12.Have you ever been asked by a “mainstream” representative (someone that perhaps has grown up with hegemonic values) to stop expressing your “different” self? If so, how did this representative present their stance? How did you react? If not, how do you think this representative would present their stance? How would you react?
-No never been asked before. But if I ever were to be lecture/stop by this representative about how I should stop being my "different" self and all,I'd probably won't keep my mouth shut and won't react much and just continue with my "different" self. And this is because,
1)I don't really find a reason why that we all have to follow a particular style,particular movement etc. I can't bring myself to agree that we should all follow what the "mainstream" is portraying. I think that we all have different beliefs,different dreams,motto etc. and because of this we each have different ways to express ourselves.
2)I parents has always taught me to be independent and not follow what other people are doing. I mean,to just do your own thing as long as its worth it and its right for me.
13.Have you ever seen your styles of communication and dress, your beliefs, and your values being sold into the “mainstream” world so others can get a hold of your own identity? (Do you dress/talk a certain way to express how you resist hegemonic values and find that more and more people are obtaining your style and taste? Why have they acquired your taste?)
-I'm not sure,I hadn't realise any of that. Maybe..
14.Have you ever been discriminated against in a public setting (work/social setting)? If so, what happened? Why do you think it happened?
-No
15.Have you ever been discriminated against in a private setting (family/friendly setting)? If so, what happened? Why do you think it happened?
-No.
PART B: BOLD THE BEST ANSWER
I. Do you have a blog? YES/NO
II. In which year period were you born? 1980-1985, 1985-1990, 1990-1995
III. Were you born in Canada? YES/NO (If you were not born in Canada, where were you born? _________________________________Singapore__________)
IV.Where are you on the political spectrum? RIGHT/CENTRE-RIGHT/CENTRE/CENTRE-LEFT/LEFT
V.How many hours a day do you spend on the Internet? 0-2, 2-4, 4-6, 6-8, 8+
VI.How many hours a day do you spend watching TV? 0-2, 2-4 4-6, 6-8, 8
PART C:
________ REPLACE THE LINE BEFORE THIS SENTENCE WITH AN “X” IF YOU ARE WILLING TO BE FURTHER CONSULTED IF MORE RESEARCH ON THIS TOPIC IS NEEDED.
*I wasn't to familiar with some of the question I apologise if I ran out of point!
PURPOSE: To identify how girls are dealing with/have dealt with the struggles of youth differently than what the mainstream media has deemed as “normal.”
PART A: Q & A
1. Which period of your life (identify it by age) was the most difficult? What factors played into this difficulty?
-13 years old.
2. During this time period, what were the dominant media that you viewed/read/embraced? (Magazines, television, newspapers, radio, billboards, advertisements, etc).
-Magazines & Television.
3. Have you ever felt like you were not able to express how you were feeling because the “mainstream” (more dominant perspectives and modes of communication) deemed what you felt was/were important, meaningless? (For example, were there photographs of thin and/or curvy women on the front page of a mainstream magazine that you felt dictated who you had to be?)
-Yes. During a certain point of time.
4. Did you find a way to express how you were feeling? If so, how did you find your voice?
-Yes,through writing.
5. Which event/incident during this period of your life really affected you as a girl (menarche [the first time you got your period], sexual/physical abuse, an eating disorder, family problems, insecurities, feelings of being neglected, difficult financial situation, not being noticed by a certain person, different sexual orientation, bullying, different values/opinions/beliefs, teen pregnancy, etc)? Why do you think you this incident was/these incidents were so harsh?
-There were lots of incidents,but insecurities & neglect were the ones that really affected me deeply.
6.In this same time period, were there any social problem(s), conflict(s), or anxiety/ies that you did not agree with? If so, what were they?
-Yes,I wouldn't specifically say what were they but most of them has to do with friends & feeling the need to meet people expectations.
7.How did you resist these social problems/conflicts/anxieties? (Did you take part in any anti-social movements, like an all-girl organization, blog, zine, etc., to apply your resistance? Why did you feel the need to resist to such a problem?)
-I decided to set up a blog. I wanted to distract myself from these problems because I didn't want any of these problems to take control of me or go overboard. And I found out that owning a blog was one of the where I could easily honestly express myself.
8. Did you know any other girls in your situation/experiencing similar threats? How were they like you? How were they unlike you? (Race, beliefs, style of dress, social class, etc).
-No,not many.I wasn't really close with anyone,so they didn't talk out their problems with me that much.
9.What does the word “mainstream” mean to you? How does/did the identity of the “mainstream society” affect you?
-To me,"mainstream" is like a large group where people feel that they have this need to follow and do the same thing as one another(especially friends),because maybe,I guess, by not following the same thing they felt left out and worried people would think of them differently. And I kinda understand that certain people don't want to be left out or don't want to be look at so awkwardly different from everybody else.
I guess it affected me emotionally. Its a tough decision to make,because at times I had to decide on whether you should follow this and that just so you could please and sort of impress everyone or whether I could just go ahead and be my own self and express myself in certain ways that I felt comfortable with. So in the end,I tried to balance out everything. I decided to express myself in my own way but at the same time I tried to keep up with what the mainstream society were doing or wearing. If I felt that a certain activity or trend the mainstream did was good or beneficial to me I'd follow,but if not. Then no.
10.How do you reflect your difference(s) from the “mainstream” into your daily life? (Do you behave differently than the “mainstream” would expect? Do you wear different clothing than the current styles deem “normal?” Do you take part in any group activities promoting identity, equality, and other things that the “mainstream” counters?)
-I don't take part in any activities,but sometimes I do wear different clothing rather than the current trends.
11.How would you describe the means of communication you use most to express your identity to the “broader mainstream public?” What do you do differently in your means of communication that separates you from the “mainstream” methods of communication?
-Writing,I guess.
12.Have you ever been asked by a “mainstream” representative (someone that perhaps has grown up with hegemonic values) to stop expressing your “different” self? If so, how did this representative present their stance? How did you react? If not, how do you think this representative would present their stance? How would you react?
-No never been asked before. But if I ever were to be lecture/stop by this representative about how I should stop being my "different" self and all,I'd probably won't keep my mouth shut and won't react much and just continue with my "different" self. And this is because,
1)I don't really find a reason why that we all have to follow a particular style,particular movement etc. I can't bring myself to agree that we should all follow what the "mainstream" is portraying. I think that we all have different beliefs,different dreams,motto etc. and because of this we each have different ways to express ourselves.
2)I parents has always taught me to be independent and not follow what other people are doing. I mean,to just do your own thing as long as its worth it and its right for me.
13.Have you ever seen your styles of communication and dress, your beliefs, and your values being sold into the “mainstream” world so others can get a hold of your own identity? (Do you dress/talk a certain way to express how you resist hegemonic values and find that more and more people are obtaining your style and taste? Why have they acquired your taste?)
-I'm not sure,I hadn't realise any of that. Maybe..
14.Have you ever been discriminated against in a public setting (work/social setting)? If so, what happened? Why do you think it happened?
-No
15.Have you ever been discriminated against in a private setting (family/friendly setting)? If so, what happened? Why do you think it happened?
-No.
PART B: BOLD THE BEST ANSWER
I. Do you have a blog? YES/NO
II. In which year period were you born? 1980-1985, 1985-1990, 1990-1995
III. Were you born in Canada? YES/NO (If you were not born in Canada, where were you born? _________________________________Singapore__________)
IV.Where are you on the political spectrum? RIGHT/CENTRE-RIGHT/CENTRE/CENTRE-LEFT/LEFT
V.How many hours a day do you spend on the Internet? 0-2, 2-4, 4-6, 6-8, 8+
VI.How many hours a day do you spend watching TV? 0-2, 2-4 4-6, 6-8, 8
PART C:
________ REPLACE THE LINE BEFORE THIS SENTENCE WITH AN “X” IF YOU ARE WILLING TO BE FURTHER CONSULTED IF MORE RESEARCH ON THIS TOPIC IS NEEDED.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
"You Have to be Unique, and Different, and Shine in Your Own Way"-Lady Gaga
I used to think that there was something mentally wrong with her,because the way she dress,the way she perform and the way she present herself "normally" in award shows,music videos and everything was really outrageous. But then,I took some time to watch her interviews. How she felt really different during high school,how she had some issues with her Dad and all that stuff. And honestly,I was kinda shock beacuse she was NOTHING to what I thought she'd be like. I was her to be arrogant and all those bad stuff.
Her interview with Barbara Walters was probably my favourite. And I don't know if she was acting or whatever,but to me,she sounded really honest and really nice.
"I just I felt like a freak, I guess what I'm trying to say is
I want to liberate them, I want to free them of their fears and make them feel that they can create their own space in the world"
"Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean you're not a winner, you want to be like yourself. I want my fans to know it's okay."
"I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star... I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be - and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth."
-Lady Gaga
I felt really guilty judging her like that. But I guess its human nature,most of us tend to judge people from the way they dress and the way they present themselves without hearing what they've got to say or letting them express themselves. I think its unfair,sometimes you just gotta give them a chance.
I really adore Lady Gaga now. After watching her interview I think I can understand her much more now.
I just hope she really means what she says.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sincerely Me
Dear To Whoever who May be Reading This,
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that the streets will be fill with cars,buses,trucks and traffic will be a huge deal to everyone and I'll have a good excuse about arriving late for school. I'd laughed at the faces of annoyed drivers and I'd curse the damn red light.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that I could hear the music playing from the little stores just below my apartment. And why I don't really mind if my Mom grounded me because I could just look out of the my bedroom window and enjoy hearing the buskers playing catchy tunes as I people's everyday life.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that if one day I happen to feel bored,I could just take a short trip to Forever 21 instead of the library,then I'd go on and say that my grades are slipping because I spent way too much time on shopping and watching too much movies.
I wish I live in the town are so I'd could tell you about all the random people I see in stores and restaurants. How some people seem oblivious to their surroundings and were talking and laughing uncontrollably. Couples making out. Girls going in and out of the fitting room having a hard time deciding which outfit suits them best. Little kids crying over the smallest things. Husband and wife arguing in the middle street attracting a bigger crowd than those buskers. I'd see boys hitting on girls and girls hitting on boys. Then I'd say I hear a group of college kids singing "Happy Birthday" at a somewhat fancy restaurant. And I'd also tell you that everywhere I'd turn,everyplace I'd go to. The stores,restaurants,restrooms etc. I see a familiar flash of light and the sound of a camera's shutter going off. People were taking pictures of themselves and whatever. And I'd tell you how I couldn't help but shook my head and smile to myself thinking,"I'm guessing it'll be on their Facebook the next day."
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you how beautiful the decorative lights are at night and how they shine as beautiful as the stars and the moonlight and how sometimes the rain makes everything look a million times better.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could come up with a much better,interesting post for you, than this.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that the streets will be fill with cars,buses,trucks and traffic will be a huge deal to everyone and I'll have a good excuse about arriving late for school. I'd laughed at the faces of annoyed drivers and I'd curse the damn red light.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that I could hear the music playing from the little stores just below my apartment. And why I don't really mind if my Mom grounded me because I could just look out of the my bedroom window and enjoy hearing the buskers playing catchy tunes as I people's everyday life.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you that if one day I happen to feel bored,I could just take a short trip to Forever 21 instead of the library,then I'd go on and say that my grades are slipping because I spent way too much time on shopping and watching too much movies.
I wish I live in the town are so I'd could tell you about all the random people I see in stores and restaurants. How some people seem oblivious to their surroundings and were talking and laughing uncontrollably. Couples making out. Girls going in and out of the fitting room having a hard time deciding which outfit suits them best. Little kids crying over the smallest things. Husband and wife arguing in the middle street attracting a bigger crowd than those buskers. I'd see boys hitting on girls and girls hitting on boys. Then I'd say I hear a group of college kids singing "Happy Birthday" at a somewhat fancy restaurant. And I'd also tell you that everywhere I'd turn,everyplace I'd go to. The stores,restaurants,restrooms etc. I see a familiar flash of light and the sound of a camera's shutter going off. People were taking pictures of themselves and whatever. And I'd tell you how I couldn't help but shook my head and smile to myself thinking,"I'm guessing it'll be on their Facebook the next day."
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could tell you how beautiful the decorative lights are at night and how they shine as beautiful as the stars and the moonlight and how sometimes the rain makes everything look a million times better.
I wish I live in the town area so I'd could come up with a much better,interesting post for you, than this.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Lizards Spy on You
Compared to yesterday and the day before that,today was alot better. Thankfully,things got better rather quickly.
I was woken up after I caught a glimpse of this super creepy looking lizard to me, looked like it was sticking on the wall near my bed this morning. I just literally screamed after seeing how big and disgusting it was. So thanks to that nasty thing I was wide awake today.
Then after school I decided to pay a visit to the library and I borrowed this book call
"Teen Girls" . Its like one of those self-help,information books. I love reading those type. I'm always curious about stuff. And its also probably because I love reading all the different tips and guidelines that they come with.
But too bad for me,I don't always follow them. I just read for the sake of reading.
I received a bad news today. One of my teacher was admitted to the hospital. They found out he has diabetes and had just gave him a surgery. He taught my class History last year,and frankly I can tell you that he's one of the best teachers I've ever had. I don't think he deserves this.
And,I'm scared for him. He's already in his sixties and perhaps going to retire soon,and suddenly this unfortunate event happens. Its just sad. My prayers goes out to him.
And talking about health care right now, I'm going for my medical check-up tomorrow. Which means no school for me tomorrow! But at the same time,I'm worried how my medical result will turn out. I just hope everything will be okay in the end.
*Fingers crossed*
I was woken up after I caught a glimpse of this super creepy looking lizard to me, looked like it was sticking on the wall near my bed this morning. I just literally screamed after seeing how big and disgusting it was. So thanks to that nasty thing I was wide awake today.
Then after school I decided to pay a visit to the library and I borrowed this book call
"Teen Girls" . Its like one of those self-help,information books. I love reading those type. I'm always curious about stuff. And its also probably because I love reading all the different tips and guidelines that they come with.
But too bad for me,I don't always follow them. I just read for the sake of reading.
I received a bad news today. One of my teacher was admitted to the hospital. They found out he has diabetes and had just gave him a surgery. He taught my class History last year,and frankly I can tell you that he's one of the best teachers I've ever had. I don't think he deserves this.
And,I'm scared for him. He's already in his sixties and perhaps going to retire soon,and suddenly this unfortunate event happens. Its just sad. My prayers goes out to him.
And talking about health care right now, I'm going for my medical check-up tomorrow. Which means no school for me tomorrow! But at the same time,I'm worried how my medical result will turn out. I just hope everything will be okay in the end.
*Fingers crossed*
Monday, March 22, 2010
I Can't Think of a Title
I suffer from "idontbelieveinmyself(itis)". I lack confidence,I posesse a very low-self esteem and I am always too sensitive.
I have so many things on my mind that I wish to tell,that I wish to rant. But right now,I don't really have the time and I can't find the right words to describe everything
My mind is frozen. I can't think. Please bear this with me.
I have so many things on my mind that I wish to tell,that I wish to rant. But right now,I don't really have the time and I can't find the right words to describe everything
My mind is frozen. I can't think. Please bear this with me.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
short.Wonderful.sleepless.fast.Beautiful.fucked-up.
I am going to try attempting to lead a short.wondeful.sleepless.fast.beautiful.fucked-up life this week.
And if goes well enough and I suceed,then I might carry this on for a lifetime.
And if goes well enough and I suceed,then I might carry this on for a lifetime.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I'm A Mess
I've had quite a few technical trouble going on today. Really annoying.
-My phone is being stubborn. It refuses to turn on.
-I think I misplaced my USB camera wire,I have no idea where I place it the last time.
Dad will be so disappointed if he finds out. I guess I'll have to get a new one secretly.
-I'm having a hard time finding my laptop's "bluetooth" button and I feel so stupid about this.
I normally use a USB wire, to connect a device to my laptop. But since some of my USB wires are nowhere to be found,I'm forced to use "bluetooth". (Why is it called a bluetooth anyway?)
I need to start being more organise and make a plan for everything. Hopefully soon. My room is terribly messy right now.
Reason being,
I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to tidy up things. In fact,I'm feel lazy about everything.
Like yesterday,
I was supposed to return back to school and hand in my Art file for marking. So it was like,just come to school in full uniform attire,hand the file to the teacher and go home. But because of my laziness,I asked my Dad to drop it off for me instead because he usually passes by that area when he drives to work.
The worst thing was,I didn't complete the assignment that was given.
I can guess how my grade would turn out; A big red C-
See how lazy and a slob I can be. The only time when I'm not feeling lazy is when I feel like I REALLY want and need to do something. And often when that time comes,I'd put really hard effort and heart into it.
Another thing is,I lost my self-control. Again.
I had TWO rounds of dinner two night! Mom cooked my favourite dish(and possibly her best dish yet)tonight. I couldn't help myself so I went for a another round,Mom tried to stop me but Dad said to go ahead. And apparently I listened to Dad.
*SIGH*
Maybe I should skip breakfast tomorrow.
-My phone is being stubborn. It refuses to turn on.
-I think I misplaced my USB camera wire,I have no idea where I place it the last time.
Dad will be so disappointed if he finds out. I guess I'll have to get a new one secretly.
-I'm having a hard time finding my laptop's "bluetooth" button and I feel so stupid about this.
I normally use a USB wire, to connect a device to my laptop. But since some of my USB wires are nowhere to be found,I'm forced to use "bluetooth". (Why is it called a bluetooth anyway?)
I need to start being more organise and make a plan for everything. Hopefully soon. My room is terribly messy right now.
Reason being,
I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to tidy up things. In fact,I'm feel lazy about everything.
Like yesterday,
I was supposed to return back to school and hand in my Art file for marking. So it was like,just come to school in full uniform attire,hand the file to the teacher and go home. But because of my laziness,I asked my Dad to drop it off for me instead because he usually passes by that area when he drives to work.
The worst thing was,I didn't complete the assignment that was given.
I can guess how my grade would turn out; A big red C-
See how lazy and a slob I can be. The only time when I'm not feeling lazy is when I feel like I REALLY want and need to do something. And often when that time comes,I'd put really hard effort and heart into it.
Another thing is,I lost my self-control. Again.
I had TWO rounds of dinner two night! Mom cooked my favourite dish(and possibly her best dish yet)tonight. I couldn't help myself so I went for a another round,Mom tried to stop me but Dad said to go ahead. And apparently I listened to Dad.
*SIGH*
Maybe I should skip breakfast tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Trying not to be Extra Larger than You
"You are what you eat"
If this was true. If this is was really fucking true
and everybody was what they ate
then,
I would only eat sticks,and twigs
and things like feathers,
flower petals
and tiny sweet cakes
and pure honey from bee hives
and spores that fly off dandelions when you make a wish.
and special things like that. special,lovely,delicate things.
That way,there'll be less mean,negative remarks about me said by some people.
If this was true. If this is was really fucking true
and everybody was what they ate
then,
I would only eat sticks,and twigs
and things like feathers,
flower petals
and tiny sweet cakes
and pure honey from bee hives
and spores that fly off dandelions when you make a wish.
and special things like that. special,lovely,delicate things.
That way,there'll be less mean,negative remarks about me said by some people.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Moon & Stars are Our Friends Tonight
And when those eyes,that seemed too fit so perfectly upon your face opened in my direction that day, I felt for the briefest moment a feeling that I could never forget. The feeling of our two worlds becoming entwined. And during that intense,quiet moment you could finally see,you could finally realise and read my eyes. The honesty and sincerity that's hidden deep down inside of me. The strong,emotional feeling that I've had towards you,the feeling that I've been having trouble trying to show you for all these years. Love.
Then,without even thinking twice,you'd took my hand and bought me outside. Where it was just the two of us,dancing,talking and laughing under the gorgeous night sky.
I could hear the rustled of the leaves. I could feel the cold wind blowing across my face,million of stars shone making the night look so innocent and bright. You tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked at me with those deep-set chestnut brown eyes. Our faces were so now. I could feel your breath against mine. Slowly and gently you place your lips on mine. I kiss back. Time stop.I couldn't breath,I couldn't see,I couldn't think. The only thing that was on my mind was you. Everything felt right.
And the night went on,with the moon and stars witnessing it all.
Then,without even thinking twice,you'd took my hand and bought me outside. Where it was just the two of us,dancing,talking and laughing under the gorgeous night sky.
I could hear the rustled of the leaves. I could feel the cold wind blowing across my face,million of stars shone making the night look so innocent and bright. You tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked at me with those deep-set chestnut brown eyes. Our faces were so now. I could feel your breath against mine. Slowly and gently you place your lips on mine. I kiss back. Time stop.I couldn't breath,I couldn't see,I couldn't think. The only thing that was on my mind was you. Everything felt right.
And the night went on,with the moon and stars witnessing it all.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Not Lonely,but just Independent
Spring is approching,but unfortunely,there isn't much to expect here in Singapore. I don't see flowers blooming on trees or along the sidewalks. The whether now is extremely warm and I think I'm coming down with a flu soon due to the lack of sleep and plain water. I've had symptoms.
It a Friday today,and the thing that's so special about this Friday is that I've got a one week holiday break till next Sunday. There isn't any special occasion going on or anything like that. The holiday is to give the students a chance to self-study and catch up on some stuffs that they're weak at. I still haven't plan on what I'm going do for this one week break. But one thing for sure,I'm gonna spend much time on blogging. I have tags that I have not post,and I'll be sure to take some time to comment on your blogs. Plus,I'm gonna try to catch up on some TV. Its been ages seen I really sat on the couch and watch some good shows.
*****
Thursday,11 March (Yesterday)
After school I will usually eat at the Primary school,the building next to my Secondary School. And this is because during my break in between classes I don't eat,the queue is always long. So by the time my last class ends,I'll already feel extremely hungry and I just can't wait anymore,I can't hold my hunger much longer. So I'll head on to the Primary school to have my lunch. I can't eat at my school because the food is already finish by then.
That's my usual routine. The last class-Eat-Go home. And I always go solo. My friends,they seldom accompanied me due to whatever reason.
I was purchasing my food yesterday when the lunch lady suddenly decided to make a small talk with me.
"You're often here alone,why,where are your friends?"
I was a little surprised. I didn't thought anyone would even notice who I was with.
But then I quickly responded,saying my friends had something going on in school therefore they couldn't be with me and that and all those bullshit excuses. She replied me with just a simple
"Oh"
I thought about it for awhile then. Why,was I alone? Was because my friends were didn't want to hang around me? Was it because I had done something to offend them? Or was it because I didn't really know how to communicate with people thus making me and extra whenever I'm in with the crowd? Whatever it was I didn't want to know,because I know that it'll only make be feel low,really low.
To be honest,I don't really mind going solo. I have friends,who I normally talk to everyday but they seldom hang around with me. And I'm perfectly okay with that. It can be weird at first but I'm use to being alone. Does this make me sound lonely? I'm use to it,probably because I'm an only child. If Mom and Dad are out,which they often are on weekends,it'll be just me,the four walls and the silence in the house. And on the bright side,seeing that I'm not involved with all these problems,dramas and shit,my grades are improving,and y'all know I don't do revision. XD
It a Friday today,and the thing that's so special about this Friday is that I've got a one week holiday break till next Sunday. There isn't any special occasion going on or anything like that. The holiday is to give the students a chance to self-study and catch up on some stuffs that they're weak at. I still haven't plan on what I'm going do for this one week break. But one thing for sure,I'm gonna spend much time on blogging. I have tags that I have not post,and I'll be sure to take some time to comment on your blogs. Plus,I'm gonna try to catch up on some TV. Its been ages seen I really sat on the couch and watch some good shows.
*****
Thursday,11 March (Yesterday)
After school I will usually eat at the Primary school,the building next to my Secondary School. And this is because during my break in between classes I don't eat,the queue is always long. So by the time my last class ends,I'll already feel extremely hungry and I just can't wait anymore,I can't hold my hunger much longer. So I'll head on to the Primary school to have my lunch. I can't eat at my school because the food is already finish by then.
That's my usual routine. The last class-Eat-Go home. And I always go solo. My friends,they seldom accompanied me due to whatever reason.
I was purchasing my food yesterday when the lunch lady suddenly decided to make a small talk with me.
"You're often here alone,why,where are your friends?"
I was a little surprised. I didn't thought anyone would even notice who I was with.
But then I quickly responded,saying my friends had something going on in school therefore they couldn't be with me and that and all those bullshit excuses. She replied me with just a simple
"Oh"
I thought about it for awhile then. Why,was I alone? Was because my friends were didn't want to hang around me? Was it because I had done something to offend them? Or was it because I didn't really know how to communicate with people thus making me and extra whenever I'm in with the crowd? Whatever it was I didn't want to know,because I know that it'll only make be feel low,really low.
To be honest,I don't really mind going solo. I have friends,who I normally talk to everyday but they seldom hang around with me. And I'm perfectly okay with that. It can be weird at first but I'm use to being alone. Does this make me sound lonely? I'm use to it,probably because I'm an only child. If Mom and Dad are out,which they often are on weekends,it'll be just me,the four walls and the silence in the house. And on the bright side,seeing that I'm not involved with all these problems,dramas and shit,my grades are improving,and y'all know I don't do revision. XD
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Close My Eyes,Waiting for The Ground to Suck Me In
I'm trapped in a dark,cold place.
A place with no one.
A place where I'm all alone.
I cannot escape.
No exit,no possible way out.
I can't cry out because I have no breath.
The silence is so deep,so cruel, I want to die.
My mind is blank,I can't think straight.
I shiver. I feel dizzy. I feel an awfully disturbing pain.
I feel so small yet bursting out with all these emotions.
Afraid.
Helpless.
Worried
Anxious
Lost.
The darkness and silence go on forever.
I can't make them stop. I don't know how to.
This is not a dream.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Let's Do This Together
Hey you,who's
had a bad day,feeling alone, is crying your heart out, is battling suicide, is dying to have someone to talk to, is nursing a broken heart, is sick of broken promises, doesn’t want to hurt anymore, keeps trying and failing, is tired of disappointment,sick of constant bullshit, wants to give up, wishes someone cares, wants to be loved, is afraid, wants to make a difference,is confused and lost,wants a hug...
Somebody out there thought of you tonight,somebody going through the same thing,somebody who's willing to reach out to you
Hey you, keep your faith, somebody cares.
Somebody’s me.
had a bad day,feeling alone, is crying your heart out, is battling suicide, is dying to have someone to talk to, is nursing a broken heart, is sick of broken promises, doesn’t want to hurt anymore, keeps trying and failing, is tired of disappointment,sick of constant bullshit, wants to give up, wishes someone cares, wants to be loved, is afraid, wants to make a difference,is confused and lost,wants a hug...
Somebody out there thought of you tonight,somebody going through the same thing,somebody who's willing to reach out to you
Hey you, keep your faith, somebody cares.
Somebody’s me.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wild Imaginations
Confession: When I was little(and maybe even today)I had wild imaginations. I watched too many episodes of The Fairy Oddparents until I wanted to believe that someday two fairy godparents will suddenly poof in my bedroom,and burst into saying something like "We're your Fairy Godparents!" And when it didn't,I figured that my life wasn't miserable enough.
*****
But obviously that ain't happening. Sometimes I wish that my life was like a cartoon show. People always seem much happier in cartoon shows.
I wish I could be like Sabrina,the teenage witch,so I could just take make spells and take revenge on the people that have hurt me.
I wish my teenage life could be like the kids on Hey Arnold! Somehow their life seem so much more interesting.
I wish I could be like Spongebob. He's always bubbly and happy,and has a positive mindset and he never fails to make people smile. I wish I was more like that.
Chicken Out?
Its Sunday,tomorrow's Monday. *sad face*. The neighbour next door is playing old blues again. I can almost hear it from my room. I didn't attend my morning religious class today. I tricked my parents into thinking I was sleeping when they woke me up today.
I've wasted my afternoon worrying for tomorrow. We have a frisbee class competition. I seldom participant in competition,but apparently our class has only a handful number of girls,so I have no choice but to play in this one. To be honest,I really have no desire to compete tomorrow. And I know that I'm being selfish by saying this. But seriously,I have my own reasons for saying this,and right now,I'm feeling half-hearted about playing tomorrow. I've already asked Mr P.E about this issue. He encouraged me to go for it but at the same time he tells me that if I was going to compete,I had to be really sure and confident about what I'm doing. Hearing to what he had said,made me even more confuse. So I turned to Mom,and for once,she understands me. She wasn't into the idea about me competing either.
I'm still considering about whether I should play tomorrow. I don't want to let my teammates down and causing them to hate me forever,but at the same time I can't possibly be careless and ignore my reasons.
I've wasted my afternoon worrying for tomorrow. We have a frisbee class competition. I seldom participant in competition,but apparently our class has only a handful number of girls,so I have no choice but to play in this one. To be honest,I really have no desire to compete tomorrow. And I know that I'm being selfish by saying this. But seriously,I have my own reasons for saying this,and right now,I'm feeling half-hearted about playing tomorrow. I've already asked Mr P.E about this issue. He encouraged me to go for it but at the same time he tells me that if I was going to compete,I had to be really sure and confident about what I'm doing. Hearing to what he had said,made me even more confuse. So I turned to Mom,and for once,she understands me. She wasn't into the idea about me competing either.
I'm still considering about whether I should play tomorrow. I don't want to let my teammates down and causing them to hate me forever,but at the same time I can't possibly be careless and ignore my reasons.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I Make Sure I Suffer Little, but Die with Courage and Dignity and Clean Underwear
Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I picture my funeral and write eulogies in my head. In the fantasy,I almost always die in some tragic but unavoidable way.
I fall,and get back up,then I fall again. Much harder this time 'round. By then,I forgot how get back up on my feet again. So I lay helplessly on the ground. People are walking. I can see thier shoes. I can hear their footsteps. They all look different,and sound different. They walked passed me,they step over me, some just walk around me. I feel like I'm a ghost. Invisible. But even ghosts are sometimes visible to the human eye. Then I see a pair of black sneakers,a pair of feet is moving. Its heading towards my direction. It was a girl,I could tell from the way she walks. Her shoes stopped right in front of me. She bent down,and as she did so,her long black hair fall down her shoulders. I could see her face clearly now. She had a fair complexion,small nose,her lips were of perfect shape. Her eyes,they looked at with full curiosity. Her forehead frown. I think she thinks I'm weird,who wouldn't? Then,she suddenly,spoke, "Are you okay?" It took me a minute to respond to her sudden question. "Yeah,I'm..uh..fine" I finally answer. I think my boring,sad voice tone,give everything away. Because she reached out hand,and said "Here,let me help you get back up again." I did. I took her hand. And she did what she said she would,she helped me get back up again. From then on,I never did fall,even if I did,I knew that there was someone I could reach out to.
Even when I still can't sleep,I have this imagination. I wonder if there is someone out there who really cares. Someone who will show up at my funeral. Someone who will cry. And someone who will hold their tears back for fear of never stopping.
I fall,and get back up,then I fall again. Much harder this time 'round. By then,I forgot how get back up on my feet again. So I lay helplessly on the ground. People are walking. I can see thier shoes. I can hear their footsteps. They all look different,and sound different. They walked passed me,they step over me, some just walk around me. I feel like I'm a ghost. Invisible. But even ghosts are sometimes visible to the human eye. Then I see a pair of black sneakers,a pair of feet is moving. Its heading towards my direction. It was a girl,I could tell from the way she walks. Her shoes stopped right in front of me. She bent down,and as she did so,her long black hair fall down her shoulders. I could see her face clearly now. She had a fair complexion,small nose,her lips were of perfect shape. Her eyes,they looked at with full curiosity. Her forehead frown. I think she thinks I'm weird,who wouldn't? Then,she suddenly,spoke, "Are you okay?" It took me a minute to respond to her sudden question. "Yeah,I'm..uh..fine" I finally answer. I think my boring,sad voice tone,give everything away. Because she reached out hand,and said "Here,let me help you get back up again." I did. I took her hand. And she did what she said she would,she helped me get back up again. From then on,I never did fall,even if I did,I knew that there was someone I could reach out to.
Even when I still can't sleep,I have this imagination. I wonder if there is someone out there who really cares. Someone who will show up at my funeral. Someone who will cry. And someone who will hold their tears back for fear of never stopping.
I Pity You Really,but Seeing You Suffering Over There is Just too Hilarious not to Laugh
Its Friday! Like finally. I've been really busy with school and shit. I just realised that I've got a few writing mistakes in my previous post. I apologised. I posted it at night and was in a hurry,because my parents were forcing me to sleep. (How embrassing,I'm fifteen and I still have a bedtime!!)
Wednesday,4March 2010.
Wednesday was probably the most interesting day of this week in my opinion. I loved this week's Wednesday. There was a mini drama in class. A fight went on. I like when these things happened it,waste our lesson time and it just seemed so interesting somehow. I wish things like these would happened alot more often.
There's this guy in our class. He's a foreigner. He's really good in almost all of this subjects,except for English. He insists on sitting alone. The problem about him is that,he cannot adapt himself to the class,and to the school. Another thing is,he has this "thing" about people touching. He doesn't want anyone to touch him,whenever someone does, he'll flinched and brush off that particular spot,as if there were germs left on that spot.
Because of his behaviour,and seeing the way he reacts to certain things,my class of 34 students loves to disturb him. Everyone enjoys seeing him getting picked on by certain people in our class.
And on Wednesday,he flared up and got into a fight with one my classmate,Marvin,during Chemistry. It was because of stupid chair. I won't mention who started it first,'cause then it'll be unfair to both of them. I blame the chair honestly.
Chemistry teacher managed to stop it on time before things got overboard of course.
But during that 5 minutes of provoking and fighting,everyone was enjoying the scene. Including me. I just sat,watched and laughed along with the whole class. I knew it was wrong,but I continued to laughed,it was as though I was watching some kind of epic comedy-drama on TV.
And I went I got home and reflect on what had happened on that day,I thought that I loved and enjoyed seeing other people's suffering. It was funny,it was entertaining. I didn't even know why I liked it. If I were to put myself in his shoes,I'd know how awful and terrible that experience was. But the thing is,I'm not,I'm watching my classmates making stupid jokes and trying to annoy him,and I treat it as entertainment and think its funny. I guess I'm mean person.
Wednesday,4March 2010.
Wednesday was probably the most interesting day of this week in my opinion. I loved this week's Wednesday. There was a mini drama in class. A fight went on. I like when these things happened it,waste our lesson time and it just seemed so interesting somehow. I wish things like these would happened alot more often.
There's this guy in our class. He's a foreigner. He's really good in almost all of this subjects,except for English. He insists on sitting alone. The problem about him is that,he cannot adapt himself to the class,and to the school. Another thing is,he has this "thing" about people touching. He doesn't want anyone to touch him,whenever someone does, he'll flinched and brush off that particular spot,as if there were germs left on that spot.
Because of his behaviour,and seeing the way he reacts to certain things,my class of 34 students loves to disturb him. Everyone enjoys seeing him getting picked on by certain people in our class.
And on Wednesday,he flared up and got into a fight with one my classmate,Marvin,during Chemistry. It was because of stupid chair. I won't mention who started it first,'cause then it'll be unfair to both of them. I blame the chair honestly.
Chemistry teacher managed to stop it on time before things got overboard of course.
But during that 5 minutes of provoking and fighting,everyone was enjoying the scene. Including me. I just sat,watched and laughed along with the whole class. I knew it was wrong,but I continued to laughed,it was as though I was watching some kind of epic comedy-drama on TV.
And I went I got home and reflect on what had happened on that day,I thought that I loved and enjoyed seeing other people's suffering. It was funny,it was entertaining. I didn't even know why I liked it. If I were to put myself in his shoes,I'd know how awful and terrible that experience was. But the thing is,I'm not,I'm watching my classmates making stupid jokes and trying to annoy him,and I treat it as entertainment and think its funny. I guess I'm mean person.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
You're Too Pretty,I'm Jealous. So What? I Can't Help It,I'm Only Human + I'm So Messed Up
Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawless.Iwanttobeflawess.Iwanttoflawless.
"True beauty comes from within" I know that. I think everyone knows that. But then,everyone forgets and just don't give a damn.
I saw this girl yesterday one the train. About my age,maybe a year older? She was pretty. She had straight hair,I couldn't really tell if it was natural or not. But whatever. She was really pretty,and the way she carrys her bag,the way she holds her purse in hand,was so perfect. She seemed so together. I looked at her every now and then asking myself "How does she do it?". She saw me looking. It was so awkward.
I hate those whispers in hallways. The one that goes "Which one of them do you think is prettier?" "You know,I think she's prettier than her" "Duh,she's prettier,the other one is ugly." I hate these stupid questions. I admit,I was the type that often ask things. I'm so over it . It just sounds stupid. I can't believe people have all the time in the world to compare. Now,I realise you're just trying to bring the other person down by saying these stuffs. Trust me,I was a victim once. And the feeling that you get when you hear those comments are far too hurtful than you can even imagine.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'm One of the Boys who Loves Strawberries
I manged to complete the 2.4km run today in P.E and I passed both my Chemistry and Social Studies test. I feel a sense of achievement today. It feels great. I wish it was like this everyday.
I got tease alot during P.E today,because unlike all the other students,I wore track pants instead of the normal school shorts. They kept questioning me;
"Why are you wearing long pants?"
"Oh my god,you're one of the boys?!"
It was so annoying,and I got so fed-up with it. So since people were saying it,from now on,when I'm wearing long pants for P.E,consider me as one of the boys.(;
I think the school needs to reorganised our class timetable again,because right after P.E was 2 periods of History. Teachers talk too much during history class. They talk too much that their explanation doesn't make sense. and they seem oblivious to the fact that most of students in class were perspiring and breathless. Or they just pretended not to notice. Well,I pretended that Mr History wasn't there and slept. He didn't even cared. We were suppose to take down notes,but I did not. Because,
a) I was lazy to do so.
&
b) Notes weren't any help to me at all. I write them down only for the sake of writing them down. Then I never refer to them again. And it'll be found only after a decade inside my bag. Torn and dirty. Ugh!
Only three more days till the weekend. Stay strong until then!
*******
Mom and I are talking again. I think almost everything is back to how they were before. I can see that she's trying really hard not to yell at me again. I appreciate that. I'm doing the same too,I'm trying not to mess up. She prepared a bowl of strawberries for me awhile ago. I already finished them all.
I love anything that has to do with strawberries <3
I got tease alot during P.E today,because unlike all the other students,I wore track pants instead of the normal school shorts. They kept questioning me;
"Why are you wearing long pants?"
"Oh my god,you're one of the boys?!"
It was so annoying,and I got so fed-up with it. So since people were saying it,from now on,when I'm wearing long pants for P.E,consider me as one of the boys.(;
I think the school needs to reorganised our class timetable again,because right after P.E was 2 periods of History. Teachers talk too much during history class. They talk too much that their explanation doesn't make sense. and they seem oblivious to the fact that most of students in class were perspiring and breathless. Or they just pretended not to notice. Well,I pretended that Mr History wasn't there and slept. He didn't even cared. We were suppose to take down notes,but I did not. Because,
a) I was lazy to do so.
&
b) Notes weren't any help to me at all. I write them down only for the sake of writing them down. Then I never refer to them again. And it'll be found only after a decade inside my bag. Torn and dirty. Ugh!
Only three more days till the weekend. Stay strong until then!
*******
Mom and I are talking again. I think almost everything is back to how they were before. I can see that she's trying really hard not to yell at me again. I appreciate that. I'm doing the same too,I'm trying not to mess up. She prepared a bowl of strawberries for me awhile ago. I already finished them all.
I love anything that has to do with strawberries <3
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